Nope

Nope.  Nada.  not pregnant. Sans embryo.  No sign of any HCG whatsoever, so there was no implantation.

We have one last embryo.  I've told them I don't want to wait another six months (give it time, heal, relax, enjoy) - I've got to get off this crazy train.  I'll work with the nurses next week to design another FET cycle plan.  Keep in mind that the earliest the transfer could even happen would be ten weeks minimum (and 12-14 is more realistic), so I'll still have to wait months to know about this last one.

The kicker is that we don't know if it's our good embryo or fair embryo.  When they freeze, they put each embryo in its own straw after vitrification, so they have no idea which is which.  So, we may have just put in our best shot, or that's the one waiting in the freezer.

And after that, I don't know.  I realized yesterday during our appointment with the RE that Hubby still hasn't accepted the possibility that we are done with our family.  That we are three.  And I mean he hasn't come to terms with that at all.  He wants to press forward.  We talked about doing another fresh cycle, donor eggs, a shared donor plan (check this affordable one out, it's what we'd do if we did DE:  http://www.myeggbank.com/donor-eggs/index.php?Welcome-to-Reproductive-Biology-Egg-Bank-1 ), embryo donation and how my mind was spinning.

And it all sounds very exciting until you realize that it could be another year on the crazy train, riding further into my forties, further away from Bud's young childhood.  I worry that I've been so wrapped up in having a second baby that I've neglected my first. It's really hitting home to me that although I want to give her a sibling for the rest of her life, I may be not fully present to give her my attention throughout this process.

and we've been trying for almost seven frickin' years.  Two for Bud, then sustaining a high risk pregnancy with her, then about 9 months off and back to baby making.  At some point, I want this ride to stop so I can step off and enjoy the scenery.  And maybe a scone and coffee at that nice bakery over there.  Oh, look, a little used bookstore with all my favorite authors.  By the sea.  And hear that?  It's Bud and the Hubs feeding seagulls bits of their hot dog buns and laughing and inviting me to join them.  Cause that's what it really is all about.

Anxiety and Symptoms

I test tomorrow.

I've been testing on my own, but tomorrow is the official test.  Blood.  It sounds so final.

All of my tests have been negative.  Well, mostly.  I had the joy of finally using something other than the Wondfru $8 for 25 test strips (how reliable can they be for early testing?) this morning.  And, joy of joys, I got an error message.  That's $10 down the drain.  and time and FMU.  I tested again with the FRGD and another neg.

So, I sit here depressed and scared.  Nothing I can do but worry. So, why worry?  It's my nature.

I have been having symptoms, though. That's the nutso part. That's what makes me question my hormones and sanity.

Friday morning - transfer 6d hatching blast
Saturday night - cramps
Sunday night - headache begins
Monday - wake up with wicked congestion and achy head.
Tuesday - Thursday morning - headcold feeling continues.  I feel truly yucky at various times of the day.
Wednesday night - nausea after dinner.  Can't move, curled up on the couch nausea.  Face flushed on just one side.  weird.
Thursday afternoon - the coldache feeling has dissipated somewhat.  In its wake is that feeling of being carsick.  I remember this. This is what morning sickness felt like.
Thursday evening - was that a throbbing breast for 2 seconds or my imagination? I'll go with imagination.  After dinner, my face flushed bright, bright red for several minutes.  weird.
Thursday night - nausea so bad that I wake up in the middle of the night, discovering I'm doubled over, wrapped around my pillow with my face burrowed in it to feel the cool pillowcase.
Friday - feeling sorta okay. Wait - what the hell is that smell at snack time?  I should love that, right?  I want a candy bar.  I don't like candy. I want hamburgers. Okay, that's normal.  Time to change clothes.  Man, my breasts are tender.  Wait - no, no, that's going to be chalked up to my imagination, too.  No flushing this evening.  Cramping, though.

and throughout it all, the headache continues...as do the negative tests.

I have blood work tomorrow morning.  I should know tomorrow afternoon if there's any chance.  I still won't know because I'll have to have follow up bloodwork if there is any detectable level.

Or there might just be blood tomorrow morning.  Who knows?  I don't, that's for sure.

Hmmmmm....

Feels like I've got mild contractions or light cramping going on.  On and off for the last three and a half hours.

Hmmmmm.....

Looking Forward

I'm starting to get nervous.  And excited.  Tomorrow is it!  Transfer!

I'm hydrating like a mad woman tonight.  I'll have to go ten hours without food or beverage until I get that blessed saline IV.  I even tried coconut water - eeeewwwwww.  I'll have to try it flavored  I know that it's supposed to give lots of natural electrolytes and Vitamin C, both great for my body right now, but I'll go back to my smart water.

I'm going to take it easy.  Got my Project Runway on, going to take a nice bath since I can't have scents on me tomorrow. (I worry about my breath since I'm not supposed to brush my teeth, and don't get me started on the lack of deodorant and anxiety sweat.)  I've got Bud in our bed tonight for snuggling, a good book, and my Beecher's Mac & Cheese and some asparagus to steam for my after transfer lunch.

I'm ready, I'm prepared, I don't know what else to do... someone!  tell me what else to do to keep myself busy!  I think I'll go nuts waiting.  Particularly because I'm more optimistic than I've been.

I suspect I'll know by this time next week one way or the other.  But the question is - will I tell anyone else??

Hit Me with Your Last Shot

Oh, yeah, baby, last shot was last night!  I've chosen not to do acupuncture this time around, and I've only had to have one shot a night for the last month. Til tonight - with no shots!

I did start progesterone and upped the metformin to two a day.  I'm trying everything.  I'm on the prenatals, the Vitamin D, Mag citrate, 5mg metholated folate, baby aspirin, blood pressure medications, asthma medications, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something  I need to start putting all my pills into those bins truly old people use.  And I'll need three a day.  oh, and I'm on estrace each night.

This all seems rather anticlimactic   I suppose that's why I haven't been blogging about it.  It's much more gentle.  I'm also not as wrapped up in it.  We know that there is an embryo.  We don't have to see how many, or if it will go to five days, etc.  Questions have been answered, tests have been completed.  Move along, nothing to see here.  Well, unless you count the fact that we still don't know if the embryo will implant!!

I have the frozen embryo transfer this upcoming Friday, Feb. 1, 2013.

I did end up having the endometrial biopsy.  I have since seen a meta study that shows of the five studies, @550 women had this procedure and the results, although small, were consistent.  The live birth rate was DOUBLED with this procedure.  So, early January, I had this procedure under anesthesia.  I'd read some horror stories about it, so those, coupled with my tendency to have painful procedures, led me to choose anesthesia.  And my insurance paid for it.  Oh, yeah, baby!  Pain management in action.  I woke up with some intense cramping/contractions that dissipated mostly by that evening and had only clusters for the next week.  My own surgeon classified the procedure as "intense".

I'm getting excited. I daydream about telling people, how long I'll wait, if i'll wait, do I surprise family and friends other places by visiting, etc.  I'm optimistic.  Which I wasn't for a long time, and now I am.

Overall, this has been a much more gentle, less stressful procedure.  Although I say less stressful, I've definitely had my basketcase moments caused by hormones - emotional flare ups that are unlike what i had during the IVF protocol despite both having lupron.  I have been depressed, moody, anxious, flighty, spacey, easily angered and easily frustrated.  I've been on edge and hard to talk down and even had a major panic attack one day, all day, and then emotionally vomited on a group of friends (at least it wasn't physical vomiting, because that has typically happened with panic attacks in the past and it ain't pretty even when I'm the only witness).

However, my body doesn't feel like it's had as much to go through.  I've also cleared my schedule more. I quit my very slight part time job, I chose not to add in the acupuncture this time, I did not pursue the yoga or nutrition classes and I've not had to have so many tests.  It's made a major difference in the way I feel about this.  At one point, I was lucky to have two hours unscheduled, free! in a day a couple times a week.  I don't count sleeping and eating because you really have to do that to survive, you know? I realized that I had to make some major shifts.  Also, that this running amok thing might be a contributing factor to the lack of baby.

I'm now in part two of my SET FET protocol.  Yes, SET - single embryo transfer.  I'm not up for twins, the family isn't up for twins, the stats show that it only increases chances by maybe 5% - 10%.  And, if after all this, we're still not pregnant, we have one more try.   But I'm not thinking about that, just this project.  I almost wrote "round", but that makes it sound like we're going to do this again soon.  Don't think that's likely.

Famous last words.

Results are back and boy are my research fingers tired.

Got more results today! In addition to having genes, clotting and autoimmune testing, also tested blood pressures and blood sugars and saw a nutritionist.  I need my triglycerides tested and I'll be done.  As I've researched the results, I have found fascinating studies along the way.  I'm documenting them below for my own use as well as anyone else who is wondering about tests and treatments for implantation issues.

At this point, I've seen each professional and had almost every test that was recommended by my RE.  The nutritionist advised me to stick with the methyl folate prenatals, walk 10,000 steps a day, and changed my vit D supplement to 4,000 iu/day instead of a weekly. We also discussed a low carb diet and portion size and that starchy vegetables like beans were a good thing.

I did have the MTHFR gene tested. 30% of the population has one mutation; I am positive for two mutations. My doc will prescribe 4g methyl folate for me. I would love to hear from others what they have been prescribed for this. I may see a naturopath about this, one who has been educated at Bastyr, where I have been told that so much of the work on this has been done.  Here's a great summary:  http://healingthewholechild.com/2012/03/01/mthfr-mutations/ .  So, with folate issues, histamine levels/homocysteine can raise, which can lead to implantation issues and high risk pregnancies (as I had with Bud).  http://humupd.oxfordjournals.org/content/14/5/485.full.pdf .  This is not to say that my histamine levels are raised, they have not been checked.  I'm seeing notes that it can also affect IBS and anemia, too.

My Vitamin D came in at 24.1, so it’s good that my nutritionist put me on a dose since I thought the summer sun had been okay and stopped my weeklys (50,000 IU) for the summer.  A Yale study on the effect of Vitamin D deficiency on implantation may be found here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15905361 .  There are conflicting studies on whether or not it helps with insulin resistance in women with PCOS (which I may or may not have.)  Pro:  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21613813  Con: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22464806.  And last one, this article discusses its effect on endometriosis (me!), hypertension and pre-eclampsia (me!) PCOS (me?) and gestational diabetes (me!).  It's all about me, right? http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3239848/?tool=pubmed .

My A1C is 5.8 which is just mildly elevated. It usually would not be treated but they hope to head off GD and delay any prediabetes by going ahead with metformin. It has actually lowered each year for the last three tests.

I also tested positive for Factor V Leiden mutation which is a blood clotting issue (5-10% of the population has this), and abnormally high for the Protein S, Free antigen (136), which if too low would also be a blood clotting issue (okay if high? I’m doing research on that .) The doc is thinking no birth control pills for me, baby aspirin, and a sub cu shot if I become pregnant for a mild blood thinner.  Here is a discussion on blood clotting and its effect on implantation here:  http://www.reproductivemedicineinstitute.com/pages/peri-implantation .

Everything else, including Thyroid antibodies, were normal. The hypertensive pregnancy guru found that I am hypertensive in both ways, so I am now on two blood pressure medications. I am taking my blood sugars and so far, ever one is less than 130 an hour after a meal. Most in the 120’s, with a few lower than 100, particularly fasting. If anything, I worry that my blood sugar is too low fasting now since i am on the metformin.  There are some issues with metformin and B12 deficiency in people with the MTHFR gene:  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17908667 .   Here's another article - I think i'll start supplementing with B12, too.  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2874129/pdf/bmj.c2181.pdf  .With the information on my newfound hypertension, we are now thinking of transferring one embryo at a time. Of course, this costs an extra $5,000.  Ironic that the healthiest thing to do is not covered by my insurance or Attain plan.  It all comes down to money vs. health.

So, we move forward with this information.  The nurses are looking over calendars and I hope to have a new date for FET by the end of the week.  We'll also do the endometrial biopsy.  Those research studies, although small in test groups, have amazing results. 

Gripes

A friend just announced she is pregnant with her third child.  I find myself fighting back tears and also feeling like a lousy friend.  Of course, I'm happy for her, but I'm more miserable for me.

It also sucks that I have to wait months because I decided to demand certain tests, and they've timed it so I have to wait out multiple cycles, which puts everything at the holidays - something I was trying to avoid.  So, I either wait more months or screw my family's holiday plans up.  I could travel, but I shouldn't be lifting heavy luggage, etc.  I'm supposed to do no strenuous activity during those waiting days, so walking all day on a vacation wouldn't fit that.

I'm still pissed at my doctor.  They said I'd wait a week, which would have meant today, Friday, and I could have the tests and have worked it into my next cycle.  i would start pills tonight, after the bloodwork, and really have only missed a few weeks.  Now it's another four.  I feel like it was a whole big "you want tests?  I'll give you freakin' tests!" kind of thing.  Like, what's up with the glucose test and my taking hours out of my day instead of doing an A1C which is supposed to be more reliable?

I'm asking for that, but I feel like each time I ask for something different, I'm becoming more of their adversary.  The Hubs and I are even arguing over treatment nowadays - we're both stressed out about it.  I agreed to have a second opinion if he does the research and finds the doctor, but I know that won't happen. He doesn't have time for that.

So, I have this house full of baby clothes and baby gear and baby toys and no baby.  It all surrounds me.  I think of going ahead and selling it or giving it away, but what happens if we are able to have another baby?  It just sits in my basement and mocks me.  Every time I go downstairs, I see these things which in my heart I believe we will never get to use again.  They climb up the walls and stare down at me, looming large and blocking out the light.  When I clean, I always find some tiny toy from when Bud was extra small.  Or something she rediscovered from storage and has brought upstairs to explore.  It's like living with a ghost baby.  It just shows the hole in our family even more.  There's no place for it to go, so I just get these reminders every moment of every day that I have no more babies to celebrate.

Others can get drunk on spring break and get knocked up.  Me, I can't spend tens of thousands of dollars to do it.  I have some of the best medical help in the country, and I can't create a life.  I can't give the two people who are most precious to me in the world something they so desperately want.  And that hurts.

I worry I have squandered money on what was never to be.  At least we're not in as much debt over it as some couples are, but I could have used that towards the child we do have.  Sometimes there's this laughtrack going on when I think about how much I want this.

And, please, no more asking about why I don't just adopt.  I'm not waiting four years (the Hubs would be in his 50's!) and spending tens of thousands of dollars more to adopt a child from another country.  My family can't stretch for that.  In fact, it's pissed me off that I have people in my life who act like it's so easy.  Maybe if that's the original route we were to take, 8 years ago, but it's not and that avenue is closed for us.  I'd like for you to accept that and stop think of me as someone who breeds for her own ego and not to enjoy a child.  That's insulting and demeaning to my daughter and any future children we may or may not have.

wow, I'm really on a rant today.  Pain pisses me off.