Over

It's done. I'll take the blood work tomorrow.  I've moved up my follow up appointment so we can discuss this cycle and decide if it's worth trying again.

I'm sad.  I'm crying.  Bud is making shooting stars and artwork with glitter to cheer me up.  She sees me sad and wants to do something.  I told her I was sorry that I can't give her a baby brother or a baby sister and she told me "It's okay, Mommy.  I'll make you something so you feel better".  She's all I need.

I want to go home. Not here, home, but the south, home. I want warm air and sunny days and to feel the healing heat on my face, the breeze through my hair, the accents in my ear.  I want to be warm.  I can't be warm here.  I can't be me here.  It's 55 degrees F and raining on May 22.  With this sadness comes homesickness like I haven't felt in years.

I don't know what we'll do next.  We wouldn't be able to start again until probably August. I watched my follicle counts plumment over the last year, so who knows what we'd even find then.  I hope to have an answer as to whether or not the puncture to my uterus could have compromised implantation to the point it is moot to try again.  I think of the reasons not to do this -save a lot of money, less risk to my body under anesthesia (there was a little trouble with my oxygen level at the last one), fewer punctures (they have trouble finding veins), and fewer needles.

Did you know that I've had over 150 needles in my body during this cycle?  I've had over 50 shots to my stomach alone.  I've had 10 acupuncture needles per session, twice a week, for the last five weeks and I'm to have more today.  I've had multiple blood draws, IV's, needles for egg retrieval.  And I wouldn't think twice about it if this had been successful.  I feel like I handled it fairly well.  I didn't get ridiculously moody, I took the shots and appointments in stride.  I'm still recovering from the egg retrieval.  Even today, 12 days later, I am tender around my left ovary.  I'm not in the pain I was, though.  But if it's pointless to try again?  A waste of money that could be used to drastically improve our quality of life?  I already have fantasies about turning the "office" (why do guys get an office?  what are they doing that women aren't doing?) into a den/art room instead of a baby's room.  I need space, room to breathe.  I could get a little of that by not doing this again.  But then I wouldn't have the stronger possibility of a baby in my life.

I need some time to process this.  Some time and preferably a warm, sunny beach.  Not here.  Here is gray and sad.  It's days like this I loathe it here.  Even Bud sees towns on TV and asks, "Does it rain there?" to figure out if we should move there.  She talks about moving to my home state when she grows up, because there it's warm.

And now I'm supposed to go back to regular life for a while. Finish up this cycle and appointments, have a test to confirm what is so obvious, and wait.  And think.  And figure out where do we go from here.

Reasons to Hope, Reasons to Fear

We did hear back the day after our transfer that the other two embryos stopped developing.  This means that the only embryo surviving is the one we transferred.  That's a lot of pressure!  I'll have a blood test on Thursday morning and know a little more on Thursday afternoon.  I'll probably have another test on Saturday to check if hormone levels are going down (boo!) or up (yay!).

I'm being good - nothing strenuous, no heavy lifting, stuck with my low activity/bed rest after the ER and the ET.  No alcohol, watching medicine intake, low caffeine, all pregnancy safe foods.

And then, this afternoon, I noticed blood.  Now's the time to stop reading if you don't want detail.

Two red clots, some watery red on the tissue.  I am 6 days past a 5 day transfer of a single embryo.  I placed a call to my doctor's.  The upshot is that they don't know. It could be bleeding because that's what happens during early pregnancy.  It could be bleeding because my body is preparing to have a period.  The nurse thinks that there is still strong reason to hope it is due to early pregnancy since my period wouldn't hit until the end of the week, closer to my test on Thursday, and today is Monday.

But, it's scary. I want this.  At first I was hoping for implantation bleeding, but it's not the right time.  The doctor who did the transfer said that implantation would be within 48 hours, not 148.

I did do something similar to this with Bud.  That's what I'm keeping in mind.  Also, for those of you keeping score, I did not receive a positive pregnancy test with her until I was 18dpo, aka18 days past ovulation, because of probably late implantation.  Although, I did take a test at 16dpo and was peeing too often from all the water I was drinking for there to be enough HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin aka the hormone produced during pregnancy) to register on even an early result test.  So, ladies who are waiting for a positive and experiencing crazy symptoms, yes, a very late bfp (Big Fat Positive) is possible.  But, since we know that I had an expanded blast on day 5, by biology, it should have expanded and pushed out of its shell, ready for implantation, in the next two days.

As for symptoms, most could be from the prometrium/progesterone supplements I'm on or from the HCG trigger shot and prometrium overlapping.  Occasional breast tenderness, headache for dayyyyyssss, and cramping seem to be normal.  Even bleeding can be attributed to that according to some sources.  I'm also fairly thirsty, slightly constipated (a complete stop to my IBS for the last two days - highly unusual), and I feel like I'm coming down with some crazy virus.  I feel so be-a-U-ti-ful right now!    One thing, though, as anyone who has spent the two week wait knows, is this could all be in my head. I may be coming down with a cold.  I may be constipated.  I may just be eating more salty foods.

I hope to know more Thursday.  If the bleeding gets stronger, I'll go in a day early for testing.  At that point, however, it's more likely that I'm getting my period and the embryo didn't take.  If I do make it to Thursday, I haven't decided yet if I'm going to post the results, share with a few friends, or keep quiet until we at least have our first ultrasound, already scheduled for mid June.

I suppose we'll all be in suspense.  Thank you so much for all the positive thoughts and well wishes, for the IM's and posts and emails inquiring how I'm doing and just letting me know that you're thinking of us and hoping for the best.  It means so much to us to have a wonderful community of friends and family taking this journey with us and supporting us along the way.  We feel the love.  Hopefully this baby feels the love and how welcome he or she already is in this world!

And now I'm crying just thinking about it.  Our baby.  Already welcomed by all.  Thank you, no matter what.

In the End, there Can Be Only One

I'm sitting on our sofa cramping right now. Hopefully a good kind of cramping, an implantation kind of cramping.  I'm stunned it could be so soon after the transfer.  We've been told that implantation will happen within 48 hours.  That five day transfer really cuts the wait on the usual 6-9 day window for implantation!

We went in this morning for the transfer.  The embryologist, a very bouncy and friendly man, was elated to tell me that I was a perfect candidate for Single Embryo Transfer! (SET)  He presented a photo to me of our little blastocyst (btw, I now realize I've been calling it the incorrect term, so I may edit to correct in earlier entries to make searching easier) and began pointing out the middle, which would form the fetus, and the outer shell, which would form the placenta. I melted a little inside, then remembered that we needed to get the Hubs and Bud out of the waiting room to make sure he was part of this conversation! We started over when he arrived.  Can I just say how cool it is to have a photo of our embryo?!?  Cool!

Between Day 3 and Day 5, three embryos stopped developing, two were at an earlier stage (called the morula stage), and one was a clear winner, our little blastocyst.  The morulas will continue to develop this evening, and, if they do not arrest but continue to grow into blastocysts, will be frozen for potential future use.  Our blastocyst has a rating of "good" on a scale of poor, fair, good, with an AC grade.

I inquired about percentage of success, and was told that at this stage, we can expect a 60 - 65% chance of pregnancy.  If we transferred two, because of how advanced they are, we'd only raise the possibility of a pregnancy by a few percentage points but have a 50% chance of twins.  Leading fertility centers are working very hard on their success rates with SET since multiples have such high risks associated with them. At my age, ethical guidelines would recommend no more than 2 to transfer.  If I were slightly older, say, the other side of Thursday (the big 4-0) and had other factors such as unsuccessful IVF attempts, first child, and/or low hormonal response, 3 might be recommended.  So, no reality show was ever in my future!  However, I do see a Mickey Mouse Club type thing...

We'll do blood work in 9 days to check for pregnancy hormones.  Now, this will be a long wait!!  I'm on a low activity modified bed rest type thing today, a little more movement tomorrow, then I will probably be okay by Thursday so I can enjoy my birthday.  Although I'm hoping my birthday gift has arrived a few days early.

Numbers update for Sunday

Well, not much of an update since we still have SIX embryos today (Sunday)!  The nurse called this afternoon to tell us and give us our appointment time on Tuesday.  One of the two embryos from yesterday which were lagging has now caught up.  One is still developing slowly, but has doubled since yesterday, so there is still progress.  And the other four are doing beautifully.

We'll be in on Tuesday.  I'm going back under anesthesia for the transfer since the catheters have been so horrendously painful.  And, we'll discuss with the doctor on Tuesday morning how many to implant.  How crazy is it to have this kind of choice??

I suppose I should share a little more of our fertility issues with you so you understand how wild this is.  The Hubs has low count, low motility, and poor morphology.  I do not ovulate regularly.  I actually have this weird thing (in case you are running across this, googling for an answer) - I get positive OPK's (ovulation prediction kit sticks) despite not ovulating.  I've had ultrasounds to back this up.  I get a positive OPK to show that I have the hormone surge to ovulate, but my eggs aren't mature, so no actual ovulation occurs. I'll have maybe a 5mm follicle.  One of the markers for this is that I also have incredibly short bleeds - about 24-36 hours.  I've also wondered if there are issues with implantation, particularly with my history of lining issues and endometriosis.  I suppose we'll find out about the implantation issues soon.

So, we're stunned that we have so many embryos still growing.  With the issues we've had, we are considered to have less than a 5% chance of conceiving naturally (25 mg of clomid, progesterone cream, and some other minor drug helped us conceive Bud after trying for 22 cycles).  Doctors have been stunned when they've learned we conceived our daughter without major assistance, after seeing our numbers and ultrasounds.  We've been told that we've already beat the odds once.

Because of our history, I figured we'd be lucky to end up with two embryos on Day 3.  And now, it looks like we have some decisions to make.

1,2,3,4,5,6! and a new ET date

As of yesterday morning, we continued to have SIX embryos growing. Four were doing quite well and had divided into four celled beings, and two had divided but had remained at two cells.  I was told that these would probably stop developing, but there was a possibility they would rally.

Our embryo transfer (ET) has been shifted from a three day to a five day.  I know I said it was unlikely, but it was also unlikely that we'd have SIX embryos still growing.

We'll now do the transfer on Tuesday.  Since we know they will be five day embryos about to turn into blastocytes, if not having already done that, there's a higher chance of implantation.  We go from odds of 35% to odds of 50%.  If we transfer two, we also change our odds on twins - from 50% to @75%.  We're rethinking this whole "transfer two and see what happens" idea.

I'm going with the odds that we'll have four.  If we are freezing two, what's one more?  And then, although that lowers the chance of implantation and pregnancy, it puts it where it was for day 3.  I think.  Please don't think I'm a medical expert or anything.  This is all what I've gleaned from medical journals and explanations on hospital websites.

Hubby and I need to have some more discussion on this, as well as with the doctor, of course.  They will call us this afternoon, although yesterday it was 10:30am, and discuss options.  At this point, it's all hypothetical.

So, no Mother's Day transfer.  Now I'm hoping my M's day gift will be hubby and Bud cleaning the kitchen after my being on bed rest and pain killers so much this week.

We have Fertilization!

I am so excited!!  We have SIX fertilized eggs!!  We'll get the embryo report in the morning and discuss with our Dr. if we'll do a day 3 or  a day 5 transfer.

I'm hoping we'll have four tomorrow, at least two of primo quality.

This is starting to become very real. We have six beings attempting to grow.  Wow!  I know that the numbers will get smaller each day, but I'm excited to see our starting out so strongly!

On Wednesday, I purchased items as a "just in case" plan. As in, "just in case I DO have embryos transferred and they implant" plan. I bought bleu cheese, brie, had lox on a bagel, and will go out for sushi tonight (courtesy a 20% off 40th birthday coupon to one of our favorite places).  I can't drink red wine anymore, or I'd splurge on a nice one of that.  I suppose I should have some salami, too.  Anything else?

I could be pregnant soon. Wild!  We'll have to have some serious discussion about one vs. two embryos if that's even a possibility.  I'd been leaning towards one until I was so scared on Day 5 with the poor results.  If two transferred give us a 15% higher chance to have a child, I think I want to take that.  I think that ultimately I'd rather have two and the issues with twins than not have one.  With two transferred, there is a 50% chance of twins if a pregnancy results.  We'll also have to take into account my history with the last pregnancy.  My Dr. may decide that it's not worth the risk to transfer more than one at a time.  I had issues with asthma and gestational diabetes, plus issues at the very end with unexplained bleeding and pre-eclampsia, but that was also at 41 weeks.

Ultimately, the decision will be under the best advisement of our doctor.  Holy cow!  After three and a half years, our next child may be growing a few miles away!  I told the Hubs we have six fertilized, and he said, "Excelsior!".  I do hope he wasn't trying a new name on me.

Egg Retrieval and We Wait

Yesterday, I went in for egg retrieval.

There was a complication yesterday.  For the ER, they insert a needle through the transvaginal wall and in back of the uterus, up to the ovaries, where they use the needle to pull out each egg.  The doctor on duty joked that it was a lot like playing a video game, and that he'd become a 40 year old man who'd gotten pretty good on the XBox because of it.

They found an issue with my left ovary. My left ovary was folded in front of my uterus, so they couldn't reach it by going up the back way.  They would normally go up the front in that case, but, in mine, I have more bowel covering over the ovary than usual, so they couldn't reach it.  And they certainly can't go through the bowel!  So, instead, they had to puncture my uterus and go in that way.  The surgeon seemed rather nervous when he told me about it.  He said that because of this complication, I'd be in a good bit more pain than usual.  I'd already had had the nurse add more pain meds to my IV as well as she'd given me some vicodin, and I was still in pain. I ended up taking another one after lunch and sleeping all afternoon.  I also slept 12 hours last night after all this!

I'm just hoping that won't interfere with implantation.  I'm sore and stiff today, and changing positions changes pressure.  I certainly feel it more on my left side than on my right. I believe he said something about having to twist the needle around to get all of them.  He said that if there had been more on my right and only one on my left, they wouldn't have tried.  I told him that it was worth the trouble and I was glad he'd done it.


 I had 8 follicles, and they retrieved 7 eggs.  Not too bad, although 12 - 15 would have been better. I'm crossing my fingers that at least 5 fertilize with ICSI.  I'm still waiting on the late morning call even though it's now after noon.  NERVES!  The odd part is that as I was waking up, I could have sworn a man, I assumed the anesthesiologist, told me they retrieved seven eggs.  However, when I asked him and the nurse again, I was told that they had no idea and had to wait on the report from the embryologist.  Of course, it was seven. I wonder if someone told me who wasn't supposed to, or if i overheard something, or what.  The nurse was quite surprised that I knew it was 7 before they told me.

I wish I could remember it all better.  There were some wires crossed, and the receptionist told my nurse that my hubby had been there for five minutes, so the nurse assumed that he was still giving his specimen.  It turned out that he had made his appointment on time and had been waiting for five minutes to be brought back to me so he could listen and help in recovery.  My nurse walked me out to him in the waiting room, much to each of our confusions.  I wasn't going to be given antibiotics because I'm allergic to so many, but, after the puncture, I was sent home with a prescription for Keflex.  More pain killers were also ordered.  I have a tendency to just take a half a pill at a time and see what happens, so I may be under-medicating myself despite all my talk of being on vicodin.  I've also been warned to take Colace at the same time.

We are doing IVF with ICSI and assisted hatching.  With ICSI, they inject one of Hubby's sperm into one of my eggs.  We then wait and see which ones fertilize, then which ones grow.  We'll also do the "assisted hatching" when the time comes, which is when a small laser helps penetrate the shell of the embryo to make sure it can continue to hatch out and develop into a blastocyte, which is more likely to implant.

So, now I'm waiting on a call.  I can't imagine what I'll feel if none fertilize.  I'm not going to think of that, though. I'm going to remain hopeful that at least 5 fertilize and concentrate on giving my positive thoughts to those little growing beings in a petri dish.  You're welcome to send your positive thoughts and prayers their way, too.

Morning, Before ER

I am so thirsty!  Oh, my, I thought I about the fact that I couldn't have anything 8 hours before the surgery this morning, but I didn't think about how thirsty I might be if I didn't stock up on hydration.  I am remembering this for transfer!

I'd hoped to sleep as late as possible, but, instead, I popped up at 7am.  That rarely happens.

I'm excited.  I'm looking forward to seeing how many eggs are retrieved.  Then we'll have a better idea of our chances.

I'm also looking forward to Gatorade afterwards.  Gotta admit, not sure which one wins out right now.  Water!

It's a Go!

I received the report this afternoon - E2 at 1520.  I read in a medical journal that they are looking for 200 per each follicle.  I have 8 follicles, so looks like I'll be ready for Thursday!

I triggered tonight.  A kind friend answered my plea for help, citing that she had worked on animal cadavers and wasn't squeamish.  That type of experience is what I needed!  We triggered at 9:30.  Well, we actually ended up at 9:45 thanks to a late running meeting and my taking a little extra time mixing the solutions and knocking the little air bubbles out.  My friend did an excellent job, particularly for her first time giving an IM shot.  I think that steady hand made a difference.

I'll have a 9:30 egg retrieval on Thursday.  I'm hoping for six eggs.  I haven't been advised on any particular number.  I'll know number of eggs on Thursday when I wake up from anesthesia.  On Friday, we'll know number of eggs fertilized via ICSI, and then we wait and see who grows.

On the down side, I had to reschedule my acupuncturist yet again.  Since the ER is on Thursday, I can't do my regular back therapy appointment.  But, she had an opening this evening.  The unfortunate part is that I couldn't get ahold of my L Ac even after a dozen calls, two messages, and an email.  I hope to call in the morning and reschedule for tomorrow while Bud is in school.  Otherwise, I might be out of luck.  In my head, she's staring at the machine and cursing me for having to change an appointment again, turning her back on the phone each time she recognizes my number.  Daring me to even speak again to her tomorrow.  Or, the receptionist is merely home, sick, and the phones are having to flip to voice mail.  I suppose I'll learn in the morning.

I have noticed that I'm a wee bit more moody.  This is definitely on my mind.  Between nerves and the hormones, I'm concerned that Bud hasn't been getting the Mommy she deserves.  She's an awesome, amazing child and I always feel like she deserves more from me.  This definitely weighs on my mind as we go on this adventure together - will  I be enhancing her life or taking her Mommy further away?  Can I depend on the Hubs to step up and fulfill some of the needs I fill now?  What happens if we're able to have another child?  What happens if we have twins?  Bud is getting jealous of our new kitten when it sits in my lap!  What's a baby and all its needs going to be like to her?

I was speaking with another friend of mine/my massage practitioner today.  I was saying how I'm not sure if I'm positive or negative throughout this.  I was telling her that I'm blogging, but that I'm not getting as deeply emotional as some people do, and that is reflected in my writing.  I'm not dragging my heart out on the page, and I think that's because I've been going through this for so long.  I'm seeing what each day brings.  I can do the procedures, line up my support, take care of my body, but, in the end, it's out of my hands.  I would love to be  in control of this, but I am not.  I'm trying to find a sense of peace in that freedom.  Even with the 22 cycles of trying to conceive Bud, I started to find a greater trust in the universe than I'd had for years.  I could have been angry, and there were times I did despair.  But at a certain point, I was okay with how long it was taking because I had faith the child would come.  I felt that each month which passed brought me one month closer to my daughter.

Years ago, I saw a woman on TV saying that she was grateful for her infertility.  She had adopted.  She said that if not for her infertility, she would have missed out on her son, and that he was the most perfect child that she could have ever had. That she was meant to be his mom, and that if she had been able to have a biological child, she would have missed out on the child she was meant to have.  I feel that way.  Maybe it just takes a while to get the child who is most perfect for our family.  I certainly felt that way about Bud.  I am so incredibly lucky to be her mom, and I think of what other genetic combination could have occurred- it wouldn't have been Bud.  She was meant for us, and if it took years to get that perfect combination of cells and soul, then it was worth the wait.

Fertility issues are hard.  They affect marriage, family, faith, and your own sense of self.  I've been lucky that my marriage has survived all of this.  We/I have either been trying to get pregnant or stay pregnant for almost 90% of my marriage.  Yes, we've had some breaks.  There's only so long that I could sustain that level of pain and stress.  But I'm hopeful.  I'm hopeful that this is where my journey has taken me.  That there were reasons that it has taken so long to get to these stage of our fertility treatments.  It's not the end of our praying and asking the universe for help, but I'm hoping we're finally smoothing out our path and will be able to look directly into the sunrise - instead of wondering what is around the next corner, having to search for the light, unable to have a straight look at what is coming.

I know this next child is worth the wait.  I hold that thought in my mind when I get discouraged.  I've waited years.  Waiting a few more days to see if we have eggs and then a few more for embryos and then a few weeks more to see about a pregnancy - ah ah ah! wait and wait and wait!  But - it's a small length compared to waiting these three years trying for this child, and these twenty years waiting for my family to be completely created.

I can do this.  What ever comes, I will find peace with it.

It is Written in the Stars

Sorry for the silence - we've all been down with a bug these last few days, but we've come a long way and all seem to be doing well finally.

I had my Day 8 appointment on Saturday.  It went MUCH better!  I went from having 4 lead follicles to looking pretty good with 8 follicles developing.  What a difference a few days make!  My E2 was 454, so it hit its mark as well.  Later that day I had a rescheduled acupuncture appointment, but we concentrated on the bug's symptoms and no fertility stuff.  I'd already had to cancel my appointment on Tuesday because of a massively borderline migraine Lupron headache.

I'd wondered if these cancellations affected anything.  I still wonder.  I had another ultrasound and bloodwork today (Day 10).  I have a 17mm, and two 16.5mm, all going down to 9.5 out of the 8 follicles.  I'd really hoped for more development considering that at Day 8, I'd had a lot of development and my follicles were between 9mm and 14mm.  I can't help but wonder if the slower development was due to the lack of acupuncture support.  The tech did tell me that they want to see two follicles of over 18mm before they trigger me.

So, to my astonishment, they think that will happen tomorrow!  I have a Day 11 u/s and yet more bloodwork scheduled, but I may have taken my final stims & suppressant this evening.  It all seems to have flown by rather quickly.  I'll have another acupuncture appointment, and I'm hoping this will boost the development of those lingering follicles.

At this point, the plan is to trigger tomorrow night.  Now, I'm on the hunt for someone who can give me an intramuscular shot between 8pm and 11pm.  I'm a bit of a wienie with this one.  I know it will hurt, so I don't think I can psych myself up to give it to myself, let alone the twisting around to get it into my own butt.  But I don't know what to do if no one volunteers to help - if you have a suggestion or are in the area and can help tomorrow evening, please chime in through the comments section below.

Egg retrieval looks to be Thursday morning, with bedrest and vicodin that afternoon.  I've been told not to drive and not to take care of kids, so couch surfing and playdates to the rescue!!

I do find it interesting that if we do a three day transfer, the transfer will be on Mother's Day. Hopefully a good omen.  And another portent, if one believes in the stars, is that this weekend is supposed to be the luckiest weekend of the whole year, particularly for my sign, particularly if you were born within five days of the 12th, which I was!  So, literally, the stars are in alignment to bring us great luck in this endeavor.

Disheartened

I had my Day 5 bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday.  I'm very concerned with the results.

I am showing 10 follicles.  That's below average, not terrible, but not a good number. It would be doable of most of those were what is described as "leading".  These are the follicles which are leading the pack, more likely to produce mature eggs.  Follicles which fall behind are less likely to produce mature eggs.  I have three leading on one side, and one leading on the other.  Four.  Four possibilities.

Four, you're thinking?  You just want one, right?  Optimal is 12-15 eggs retrieved with the idea that 80% will fertilize, 60% will make it past the first day, etc.  At one point, I worked out the math that with 12 eggs, we had a good shot at 2 embryos to be created.

My E2 aka estradiol level was 119.  Below 100 is considered nonresponding.  300 is optimal.  Over 500 is overstimulated.  I'm already on a higher dosage of follistim from the get-go.

I'm not going to stop mid cycle.  I'll see this through to the end.  I'm supplementing the science with holistic treatments.

I will say that when I first saw those large follicles, I thought "one of those is my child".  So, I do have some tiny spark of optimism that this will work.  Oh, and how that has worked against me in the past!  It's hard to have hope when you know that in the end it just smacks you on the ass and knocks you down.  And then you feel foolish for thinking this time would be different.  Definition of insanity and all that, right?

I've already contacted Attain about withdrawing from the multicycle plan.  If we don't get pregnant this month, we could get about 40% of our money back.  That's enough to refinance the house and secure my being able to stay home with Bud and eventually take some vacations if I went back to work.  The financial aspects of IVF have always weighed heavily on my mind.  It's a life changing amount of money - whether that money is for a life changing event such as having a baby or being able to refinance so you can provide a better education and quality of life for the child you already have.

If this doesn't work, I think it's going to take a lot of "rah rah" and some aggressive plans to convince me that it's worth trying again.  My body just isn't doing it.

I have always been happy with the three of us.  I just know we could expand that joy with four or five of us.  If my family is complete at three, my heart won't break.  But I do fear it will break the heart of my husband and daughter - they want more children in our family SO MUCH.

I have had some folks ask me why we're not looking at adoption.  We did.  We have close family and friends who were adopted, who have adopted babies or used donor eggs or sperm because of fertility issues, who have adopted to give a home without concern with fertility, who have given up biological children for adoption, who have had no choices other than adoption or donor egg/sperm because of their partner being the same gender.  We have looked at international and domestic adoption, private and through the foster care system.  I think what we've found is too long for to add to this in detail, but, in summary:

- private can be up to $100K and the parent can still change her mind and yet keep the money
- most kids through the foster care system are older and/or special needs.  We have one child with some special issues and I am not sure I want to willingly focus our attention on another child's medical issues when I am still contending with the system and navigating her care.
- biological parents have up to ONE YEAR in Washington State to reclaim the child if they can prove fraud, duress, or mental incompetence led them to terminate their rights
- we are too old for most agencies and most countries
- for country after country, laws are changing in international adoption.  Many countries have closed their doors to this option as fraud, selling, and publicity have increased.  The length of time has increased in terms of multiple years to adopt internationally

So, we've looked at our options. I've done the research.  And I'm not sure that it's worth all of this money and time and physical effort to continue if there is no real hope that this would work another time around.  The Hubs is being supportive and optimistic, but I need to wrap my head around the idea that this could be done in order to move on.

We'll know far more on Saturday.  That's when we'll know if there are enough possibilities to even move forward with this cycle.  Got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  Know when to walk away.

Vicodin Kitty

I'm down with the vicodin.  I've been having headaches from the lupron, and they've been getting worse.  Today I thought I would end up with a migraine.  I spoke with the nurse, who advised that if after tylenol and caffeine I still felt the same, to turn to the vicodin that is supposed to be for pain as the ovaries swell (looking forward to that one! Not!).

I've basically sunk into the couch and had Bud watch movies all day.  One nice thing is that I did have our new kitten* snuggle with me most of the day.  Movement hurt.

I've just taken more vicodin now that I have food on my stomach and shots in my belly.  Day 5 bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow - we'll know more about how well the medications are working.  At this point, my belly is pink, fuchsia, violet, green, and purple in places.  Really lovely shading, actually.  I just assure Bud that it only looks bad, not feels bad, and that the bruises will heal.

*as for the kitten, I believe my maternal longings kicked in around the same time that we were about to begin stims.  I'm sure a psychologist could break it down for me.  We've been considering a new cat for a while.  Lately, Bud has been saying that she wishes we had a kitty.  I point out that we do - a big gray scaredy thing that hides under the bed.  She replies that she wants one that actually plays with her.  Good point.  I figured I wouldn't want to have a new kitten if I were having morning sickness, nor would I want a new one while learning to care for a new born if this works, so now would be a better time than any other.  It didn't seem fair to make everyone wait two years for a new addition.  She's brought new life into our house and has already shown me that our family can stretch easily and enjoy a new family member.