Negative in so many ways.

I'm sitting in my sadness.  I'm not doing anything today.  The Bud and I are having a Don Bluth marathon courtesy of netflix.  Fortunately, she seems to be digging the downtime.

I had a blood test early this morning, and my nurse called this afternoon with the results.  She seemed upset and told me she was so very sorry.  It's nice to have someone professional who obviously cares and genuinely sympathizes.  The test shows that, once again, the embryos did not even implant.  It's not a case of early miscarriage - they never had a chance.  It's like my body is toxic.  I am full of blame for myself and wonder if I'd skipped having wine between retrieval and transfer, had done some cleanse, become a vegetarian, whatever - something to make my body pure - would it have changed anything?  I truly feel that I have done something wrong.

I told Bud a short while ago.  She told me that we had one more chance and we would try hard and hope that it worked.  As I told her last time, I said the babies stopped developing and weren't in my body anymore.   I've been upfront with her during this process.  She's seen the shots and she's had the multiple appointments affect her schedule, she's seen the emotional impact.  She's asked questions along the way "How do they get back in your body?"  and I've also tried to explain that this isn't the way most babies are made.  Oddly, she hasn't asked how they usually are. I am honest with her and try to use descriptions that a four year old (almost five!) would understand, keeping my descriptions brief and allowing her to guide the conversation.  I think it has worked well for both of us.

I'm just so tired.  The nurse told me that if I wanted to proceed with the frozen embryo cycle, I'd have to start back on birth control pills on Wednesday, then, a few weeks later, do an ultrasound then begin lupron shots again and estrogen patches and later progesterone suppositories or intramuscular injections.  I'm not sure I'm ready for this all over again.  Or those blinding headaches from the birth control and lupron.  I wonder if I'll suddenly stumble across some way to assist implantation if I wait.  Even if we start in two days, the earliest transfer would be in six weeks.  I'll start the pills at least - I can always stop if I change my mind and want to wait.

Part of me wants to move forward just to finish.  Just to be done and sell or give away the baby gear, toys, clothes, in the basement.  To make Hub's office into a den/playroom as Bud has started needing more playspace and I've started needing a place of my own to decompress at times.  Having two embryos in the freezer is both a blessing and a curse at the moment.  This could have all been over.  Or it may be that one of them is my saving grace.

For now, though, I'll be grateful for my little girl and her being mellow with me, and a husband who emails me lots and lots of "smooches".  It's all I can handle right now.  I think I'll go curl up on the bed until he's home, while the Bud enjoys her fourth movie of the day.

what is normal anyway?

I am cramping more and seem to have a menstrual flow.  I say "seem" because it is so odd to be spotting 5dp5dt (five days past a five day transfer) and then get a period three days early.  I'm a 14 day luteal phase girl usually.

I think of the things I've put on hold or cancelled or not committed - a beach trip with very dear friends, the overseas wedding of my best friend (I'm SO sorry, E.), the Disney trip with favorite family members.

And it bothers me that I've raised the hopes of my husband and daughter through this process.  I am somewhat numb.  I notice that I have some tears but nothing really coming through.  I was blabbering to the barista at our coffee shop and realized that I am holding on to my mind by a thin thread.

And, what bothers me, is that on some level I'm relieved.  I won't have twins. We're not turning our lives upside down.  I have two frozen embryos left and I feel like I need to transfer them, but I have little hope that they will work.  I'll do just one at a time, though.  (BTW, the rates for frozen embryo transfer  - FET- success are about the same as a fresh cycle nowadays.  Amazing how quickly technology and science advances.)

I'm puzzled and angry.  I didn't drink, I monitored my food and caffeine and medications.  I did guided relaxation and massage and acupuncture and put my feet up.  There is no magic recipe.  Some folks try so hard and it never happens.  I really thought we'd have a larger family than this.  Thank God we have one fantastic child already.  I think of my friends who have had a surprise pregnancy, even on birth control.  Although it must have turned their life on its end due to its unplanned nature, I do think how lucky they are.

And then there are the posts online that talk about "I was so sure I was getting my period - I was bleeding and cramping and then a BFP".   I don't think that will be me.  The only way to know will be a blood test.  My doctor's office will be reluctant to do one more than a day early, but I think I'll push, just to wrap this up.

And then what?  What do I do with two frozen embryos?  Jump in again?  I don't want to be much older or have much more time between children.  Wait indefinitely?  Try again in the winter?  To tell you the truth, the only reason to wait would be to go to Disneyland and know I could ride the rides with Bud. I've never been and I want to experience it with her.   Oh, and that whole don't make rash decisions when you're grieving thing.  Yeah, that's probably important somewhere in there.

I don't feel like the walking, bleeding, festering wound I did the first time around.  You know, so tender that the mere look of a friend was like a scraping over my raw heart.  I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with our daughter's preschool.  I really like these families (sometimes I wonder if they realize that I would like to be closer but I don't know how) but I remember how vulnerable I felt for weeks after last time - can I handle that again in close quarters, no escape, no drop and dash as I try not to look anyone in the eye because I know I'll start crying again?

No need to make decisions now, I suppose.  I did the mechanical process, now I'll do the emotional grieving process somehow.  It hurt so much last time, I think this time it will be harder because I want to bury it.  But maybe it will seem more normal.  The more normal I act, the more normal I'll believe it all has become.

seeing red

cramping.  brown smears.  bright red spotting.  Shit.  It's five days past five day transfer.  too early for a period, right?  even though mine came at seven days past a five day transfer last time?

Please oh please let this be implantation spotting and not my body rejecting this.

wow!

I had two embryos transferred this morning.  Expanded blasts, level Good, grade B/B for each of them.  I was told that there is a 66% chance of getting pregnant with implanting two at my age, and a 40% chance of that for twins - about the same percentage as not getting pregnant at all.  I would say that it is actually a greater possibility to have zero than twins.  I had zero with the last IVF with a similar 65% chance of getting pregnant, but only one embryo transferred.

I had the Hubster drive me to acupuncture immediately afterwards.  I did see a study cited out of a BC clinic that said gals in my age group (over 38) show a stronger likelihood of pregnancy if acupuncture is performed the same day as transfer.

I'm not holding my breath.  I am on modified bed rest, enjoying movies while Bud is enjoying the grandparents.  We had delivery for dinner, so I got out of cooking, too.

We also froze two embryos today - expanded blasts, Good, B/B and Good B/C.  I may be wrong and one is Fair B/C.

And we are culturing three more embryos - that's right, as of today, all SEVEN were still developing!  Two are unexpanded blasts, automatically graded poor because they haven't advanced, but, I think B/B and B/C. As for the third, we have a perfect morula which needs to be cultured possibly longer.

So, if this time, IVF #2, doesn't work, we're already set for Frozen Embryo Transfer #1.  I guess we won't know any time soon when our family is done after all.

I am nervous about the prospect of twins, but I feel that with the failure of the earlier IVF, the maternal age factor, the low AMH score, as well as my history, we'll be lucky to get one out of this.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  We'll figure it out the same way any other family with multiples figures it out, if we do have twins.

I am "testing out the trigger", as some say.  I ordered some cheapo pregnancy tests (25 for $8!) and will take each day to watch the trigger line fade from the positive pregnancy test.  Then, if it comes back or gets stronger, we'll know if there is a baby in there.

And right now, TWO babies in there!

a little more info - Saturday, Day 3

We still have seven embryos!  The one which was lagging behind at 2 cells has now caught up and is 8 cells like almost all the others (the ideal number).  A different embryo, however, has arrested at four cells.  It may continue to grow, or it may be done.

At this point, statistically, we'll probably have three on Monday.  No, we will not transfer all of them!  But, I am leaning towards two.  We'll make the final decision with the embryologist on Monday.  I'll be under anesthesia at 10am, and then off to acupuncture once we are done.  Studies show that, for my age group, it raises the odds of implantation to have acupuncture on the day of transfer.  We didn't do it last time, but, we have the ability to do it this time, so we will.

I'm just taking this one step at a time. And planning last splurges before I have to do the pregnancy diet.  I'm trying to be more removed and take this moment by moment. I was so very sad last time.  And I don't know how quickly I would want to share news one way or another this time.  It's all so up in the air!

Brief Friday (day 2) update

As of 10am PDT Friday morning, all seven embryos were still developing.  Six are rated "good" (on a scale of poor, fair, good) and one was rated "fair".  The fair one could be lagging or just slowing down.  It has two cells when the others have four - six cells, typical of "good" ratings.  I didn't want to press my luck by asking for specifics on each of those.  I was fortunate to speak with a nurse who was willing to pull up the information out of my record to even get that far.

We'll do a Day 5 transfer, for sure.  Statistically, half will die between whatever today's count (I write this on Day 3) is and Monday, Day 5.  If we have six today, then we will probably have 3 on Monday.  What quality those would be, and how far along, remains to be determined.

I expect a call with more details in the next few hours.  I'll post again, then.

The Magnificent Seven

Yes, seven embryos.  I should be much more excited about this.  We had 9 eggs, 7 fertilized.  I asked how they were doing, what was happening - a bit more of a pause than I am comfortable with came from the nurse.  "Everything is going fine".  But how are they?  "You'll get a report on the day of transfer." Me- can I not get some information now?  "We would tell you if something were wrong.  We're not going to have you come in and then suddenly tell you things aren't going well.  Trust us, it's fine". Me - pause.  "Let me put it this way, no news is good news.  If there were drastic issues, you'd have a call from the doctor."

Too many pauses, a few too many excuses.  My nursing team is gone tomorrow, so I'm hoping to grill the sub who will be letting me know how things are.  We'll either do a 3 day or a 5 day transfer.  I hope to know a little more just because they are able to make that call.

I suppose we'll know more tomorrow.  I've got plans to stay busy for the morning.  Seven should give us a good shot, but we thought that last time with six.  I don't know what to believe or hard to hope any more.

update for Egg Retrieval

I've slept on and off today.  I was in a lot of pain, but I've noticed it is not as bad this evening.  They did not have to do all the funky stuff to get to my left ovary, just some of it.  Fortunately, I had the exact same surgeon.  He remembered my left ovary very well and apparently was able to maneuver it without quite so many issues as last time.  I'm so glad Hubs took off the day to care for me and the Budster because I couldn't have done anything for anyone, including myself.

They retrieved 9 eggs.  Found 14 follicles.  The nurse said the other four would be too small for her to see on that particular ultrasound.  I'll know the number fertilized tomorrow.

Oh, and I lost those five pounds the nurses were losing their sh!t over.  And probably more since all those eggs and fluid add weight.  So there.  NyahNyahNyah.

Nervous this Morning and Dreams Show it.

Oh, I'm so nervous about this morning.  I wonder what they will find, how much pain I'll be in during recovery, if the nurse will have a difficult time getting the IV in again.  I'm such a chicken.

This means so much. Of course it does, that's why I'm writing about it.  I'm even dreaming about it.  One dream, I just dreamt I was putting shots into my belly over and over again, mechanical like.  No pain involved. It was like one of those dreams where you are an accountant and you just keep using a calculator. Last night's was more serious, in that I dreamt my husband left me because I couldn't produce mature eggs.  He took off his ring, didn't care that I might go out to party, and said that this would be a good point at which we should split.  I even bought a pack of cigarettes in my dream!  (I can't believe that I quit over ten years ago and yet still dream of the taste of cigarettes. Nasty little suckers.)  Obviously an anxiety dream.

I didn't realize that I had that fear until I woke up this morning.  It's not a real fear, but I suppose it is one of those what if things.  What if we hadn't had Bud and we realized this was the end of the line?  In my dream, we were both in shock and agony that this was over.  I wanted to do a third round but realized we couldn't afford it and odds would be too great against it.  And so we each handled it differently, going our separate ways, this driving a wedge between us as surely as a sign post at a crossroads - you go your way, I'll go mine, and never the twain shall meet.

Our marriage has actually handled this really well. I know some couples wake up and discover that this was all they had left to bind them, and when the treatments don't work, neither does their marriage - at least for a while.  But I do remember that feeling of waiting and suspension and coming despair and emotional mechanics that we experienced for so long prior to Bud, and I have some gleaning of what another couple who never conceived might experience.

I do wonder about that point - what if in two weeks we have a negative, no embryos, nothing.  We're done? Will my husband still clean out his office so we can create a better play area as Bud gets older?  Will we fight over selling and giving off all that gear in the basement which we've stored for five years?  How will this impact us as we settle into no longer having a dream of a larger family, but learning to accept and maybe embrace the concept of the small, single child family?  How much sadness will be in our home, even temporarily?  Will there be anger underlying everything, a sense of blame?

Ah, dreams - showing us fears we never even realized we had.