Nope

Nope.  Nada.  not pregnant. Sans embryo.  No sign of any HCG whatsoever, so there was no implantation.

We have one last embryo.  I've told them I don't want to wait another six months (give it time, heal, relax, enjoy) - I've got to get off this crazy train.  I'll work with the nurses next week to design another FET cycle plan.  Keep in mind that the earliest the transfer could even happen would be ten weeks minimum (and 12-14 is more realistic), so I'll still have to wait months to know about this last one.

The kicker is that we don't know if it's our good embryo or fair embryo.  When they freeze, they put each embryo in its own straw after vitrification, so they have no idea which is which.  So, we may have just put in our best shot, or that's the one waiting in the freezer.

And after that, I don't know.  I realized yesterday during our appointment with the RE that Hubby still hasn't accepted the possibility that we are done with our family.  That we are three.  And I mean he hasn't come to terms with that at all.  He wants to press forward.  We talked about doing another fresh cycle, donor eggs, a shared donor plan (check this affordable one out, it's what we'd do if we did DE:  http://www.myeggbank.com/donor-eggs/index.php?Welcome-to-Reproductive-Biology-Egg-Bank-1 ), embryo donation and how my mind was spinning.

And it all sounds very exciting until you realize that it could be another year on the crazy train, riding further into my forties, further away from Bud's young childhood.  I worry that I've been so wrapped up in having a second baby that I've neglected my first. It's really hitting home to me that although I want to give her a sibling for the rest of her life, I may be not fully present to give her my attention throughout this process.

and we've been trying for almost seven frickin' years.  Two for Bud, then sustaining a high risk pregnancy with her, then about 9 months off and back to baby making.  At some point, I want this ride to stop so I can step off and enjoy the scenery.  And maybe a scone and coffee at that nice bakery over there.  Oh, look, a little used bookstore with all my favorite authors.  By the sea.  And hear that?  It's Bud and the Hubs feeding seagulls bits of their hot dog buns and laughing and inviting me to join them.  Cause that's what it really is all about.

Anxiety and Symptoms

I test tomorrow.

I've been testing on my own, but tomorrow is the official test.  Blood.  It sounds so final.

All of my tests have been negative.  Well, mostly.  I had the joy of finally using something other than the Wondfru $8 for 25 test strips (how reliable can they be for early testing?) this morning.  And, joy of joys, I got an error message.  That's $10 down the drain.  and time and FMU.  I tested again with the FRGD and another neg.

So, I sit here depressed and scared.  Nothing I can do but worry. So, why worry?  It's my nature.

I have been having symptoms, though. That's the nutso part. That's what makes me question my hormones and sanity.

Friday morning - transfer 6d hatching blast
Saturday night - cramps
Sunday night - headache begins
Monday - wake up with wicked congestion and achy head.
Tuesday - Thursday morning - headcold feeling continues.  I feel truly yucky at various times of the day.
Wednesday night - nausea after dinner.  Can't move, curled up on the couch nausea.  Face flushed on just one side.  weird.
Thursday afternoon - the coldache feeling has dissipated somewhat.  In its wake is that feeling of being carsick.  I remember this. This is what morning sickness felt like.
Thursday evening - was that a throbbing breast for 2 seconds or my imagination? I'll go with imagination.  After dinner, my face flushed bright, bright red for several minutes.  weird.
Thursday night - nausea so bad that I wake up in the middle of the night, discovering I'm doubled over, wrapped around my pillow with my face burrowed in it to feel the cool pillowcase.
Friday - feeling sorta okay. Wait - what the hell is that smell at snack time?  I should love that, right?  I want a candy bar.  I don't like candy. I want hamburgers. Okay, that's normal.  Time to change clothes.  Man, my breasts are tender.  Wait - no, no, that's going to be chalked up to my imagination, too.  No flushing this evening.  Cramping, though.

and throughout it all, the headache continues...as do the negative tests.

I have blood work tomorrow morning.  I should know tomorrow afternoon if there's any chance.  I still won't know because I'll have to have follow up bloodwork if there is any detectable level.

Or there might just be blood tomorrow morning.  Who knows?  I don't, that's for sure.

Hmmmmm....

Feels like I've got mild contractions or light cramping going on.  On and off for the last three and a half hours.

Hmmmmm.....