Gripes

A friend just announced she is pregnant with her third child.  I find myself fighting back tears and also feeling like a lousy friend.  Of course, I'm happy for her, but I'm more miserable for me.

It also sucks that I have to wait months because I decided to demand certain tests, and they've timed it so I have to wait out multiple cycles, which puts everything at the holidays - something I was trying to avoid.  So, I either wait more months or screw my family's holiday plans up.  I could travel, but I shouldn't be lifting heavy luggage, etc.  I'm supposed to do no strenuous activity during those waiting days, so walking all day on a vacation wouldn't fit that.

I'm still pissed at my doctor.  They said I'd wait a week, which would have meant today, Friday, and I could have the tests and have worked it into my next cycle.  i would start pills tonight, after the bloodwork, and really have only missed a few weeks.  Now it's another four.  I feel like it was a whole big "you want tests?  I'll give you freakin' tests!" kind of thing.  Like, what's up with the glucose test and my taking hours out of my day instead of doing an A1C which is supposed to be more reliable?

I'm asking for that, but I feel like each time I ask for something different, I'm becoming more of their adversary.  The Hubs and I are even arguing over treatment nowadays - we're both stressed out about it.  I agreed to have a second opinion if he does the research and finds the doctor, but I know that won't happen. He doesn't have time for that.

So, I have this house full of baby clothes and baby gear and baby toys and no baby.  It all surrounds me.  I think of going ahead and selling it or giving it away, but what happens if we are able to have another baby?  It just sits in my basement and mocks me.  Every time I go downstairs, I see these things which in my heart I believe we will never get to use again.  They climb up the walls and stare down at me, looming large and blocking out the light.  When I clean, I always find some tiny toy from when Bud was extra small.  Or something she rediscovered from storage and has brought upstairs to explore.  It's like living with a ghost baby.  It just shows the hole in our family even more.  There's no place for it to go, so I just get these reminders every moment of every day that I have no more babies to celebrate.

Others can get drunk on spring break and get knocked up.  Me, I can't spend tens of thousands of dollars to do it.  I have some of the best medical help in the country, and I can't create a life.  I can't give the two people who are most precious to me in the world something they so desperately want.  And that hurts.

I worry I have squandered money on what was never to be.  At least we're not in as much debt over it as some couples are, but I could have used that towards the child we do have.  Sometimes there's this laughtrack going on when I think about how much I want this.

And, please, no more asking about why I don't just adopt.  I'm not waiting four years (the Hubs would be in his 50's!) and spending tens of thousands of dollars more to adopt a child from another country.  My family can't stretch for that.  In fact, it's pissed me off that I have people in my life who act like it's so easy.  Maybe if that's the original route we were to take, 8 years ago, but it's not and that avenue is closed for us.  I'd like for you to accept that and stop think of me as someone who breeds for her own ego and not to enjoy a child.  That's insulting and demeaning to my daughter and any future children we may or may not have.

wow, I'm really on a rant today.  Pain pisses me off.