Nope

Nope.  Nada.  not pregnant. Sans embryo.  No sign of any HCG whatsoever, so there was no implantation.

We have one last embryo.  I've told them I don't want to wait another six months (give it time, heal, relax, enjoy) - I've got to get off this crazy train.  I'll work with the nurses next week to design another FET cycle plan.  Keep in mind that the earliest the transfer could even happen would be ten weeks minimum (and 12-14 is more realistic), so I'll still have to wait months to know about this last one.

The kicker is that we don't know if it's our good embryo or fair embryo.  When they freeze, they put each embryo in its own straw after vitrification, so they have no idea which is which.  So, we may have just put in our best shot, or that's the one waiting in the freezer.

And after that, I don't know.  I realized yesterday during our appointment with the RE that Hubby still hasn't accepted the possibility that we are done with our family.  That we are three.  And I mean he hasn't come to terms with that at all.  He wants to press forward.  We talked about doing another fresh cycle, donor eggs, a shared donor plan (check this affordable one out, it's what we'd do if we did DE:  http://www.myeggbank.com/donor-eggs/index.php?Welcome-to-Reproductive-Biology-Egg-Bank-1 ), embryo donation and how my mind was spinning.

And it all sounds very exciting until you realize that it could be another year on the crazy train, riding further into my forties, further away from Bud's young childhood.  I worry that I've been so wrapped up in having a second baby that I've neglected my first. It's really hitting home to me that although I want to give her a sibling for the rest of her life, I may be not fully present to give her my attention throughout this process.

and we've been trying for almost seven frickin' years.  Two for Bud, then sustaining a high risk pregnancy with her, then about 9 months off and back to baby making.  At some point, I want this ride to stop so I can step off and enjoy the scenery.  And maybe a scone and coffee at that nice bakery over there.  Oh, look, a little used bookstore with all my favorite authors.  By the sea.  And hear that?  It's Bud and the Hubs feeding seagulls bits of their hot dog buns and laughing and inviting me to join them.  Cause that's what it really is all about.