Disheartened

I had my Day 5 bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday.  I'm very concerned with the results.

I am showing 10 follicles.  That's below average, not terrible, but not a good number. It would be doable of most of those were what is described as "leading".  These are the follicles which are leading the pack, more likely to produce mature eggs.  Follicles which fall behind are less likely to produce mature eggs.  I have three leading on one side, and one leading on the other.  Four.  Four possibilities.

Four, you're thinking?  You just want one, right?  Optimal is 12-15 eggs retrieved with the idea that 80% will fertilize, 60% will make it past the first day, etc.  At one point, I worked out the math that with 12 eggs, we had a good shot at 2 embryos to be created.

My E2 aka estradiol level was 119.  Below 100 is considered nonresponding.  300 is optimal.  Over 500 is overstimulated.  I'm already on a higher dosage of follistim from the get-go.

I'm not going to stop mid cycle.  I'll see this through to the end.  I'm supplementing the science with holistic treatments.

I will say that when I first saw those large follicles, I thought "one of those is my child".  So, I do have some tiny spark of optimism that this will work.  Oh, and how that has worked against me in the past!  It's hard to have hope when you know that in the end it just smacks you on the ass and knocks you down.  And then you feel foolish for thinking this time would be different.  Definition of insanity and all that, right?

I've already contacted Attain about withdrawing from the multicycle plan.  If we don't get pregnant this month, we could get about 40% of our money back.  That's enough to refinance the house and secure my being able to stay home with Bud and eventually take some vacations if I went back to work.  The financial aspects of IVF have always weighed heavily on my mind.  It's a life changing amount of money - whether that money is for a life changing event such as having a baby or being able to refinance so you can provide a better education and quality of life for the child you already have.

If this doesn't work, I think it's going to take a lot of "rah rah" and some aggressive plans to convince me that it's worth trying again.  My body just isn't doing it.

I have always been happy with the three of us.  I just know we could expand that joy with four or five of us.  If my family is complete at three, my heart won't break.  But I do fear it will break the heart of my husband and daughter - they want more children in our family SO MUCH.

I have had some folks ask me why we're not looking at adoption.  We did.  We have close family and friends who were adopted, who have adopted babies or used donor eggs or sperm because of fertility issues, who have adopted to give a home without concern with fertility, who have given up biological children for adoption, who have had no choices other than adoption or donor egg/sperm because of their partner being the same gender.  We have looked at international and domestic adoption, private and through the foster care system.  I think what we've found is too long for to add to this in detail, but, in summary:

- private can be up to $100K and the parent can still change her mind and yet keep the money
- most kids through the foster care system are older and/or special needs.  We have one child with some special issues and I am not sure I want to willingly focus our attention on another child's medical issues when I am still contending with the system and navigating her care.
- biological parents have up to ONE YEAR in Washington State to reclaim the child if they can prove fraud, duress, or mental incompetence led them to terminate their rights
- we are too old for most agencies and most countries
- for country after country, laws are changing in international adoption.  Many countries have closed their doors to this option as fraud, selling, and publicity have increased.  The length of time has increased in terms of multiple years to adopt internationally

So, we've looked at our options. I've done the research.  And I'm not sure that it's worth all of this money and time and physical effort to continue if there is no real hope that this would work another time around.  The Hubs is being supportive and optimistic, but I need to wrap my head around the idea that this could be done in order to move on.

We'll know far more on Saturday.  That's when we'll know if there are enough possibilities to even move forward with this cycle.  Got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  Know when to walk away.