I received the report this afternoon - E2 at 1520. I read in a medical journal that they are looking for 200 per each follicle. I have 8 follicles, so looks like I'll be ready for Thursday!
I triggered tonight. A kind friend answered my plea for help, citing that she had worked on animal cadavers and wasn't squeamish. That type of experience is what I needed! We triggered at 9:30. Well, we actually ended up at 9:45 thanks to a late running meeting and my taking a little extra time mixing the solutions and knocking the little air bubbles out. My friend did an excellent job, particularly for her first time giving an IM shot. I think that steady hand made a difference.
I'll have a 9:30 egg retrieval on Thursday. I'm hoping for six eggs. I haven't been advised on any particular number. I'll know number of eggs on Thursday when I wake up from anesthesia. On Friday, we'll know number of eggs fertilized via ICSI, and then we wait and see who grows.
On the down side, I had to reschedule my acupuncturist yet again. Since the ER is on Thursday, I can't do my regular back therapy appointment. But, she had an opening this evening. The unfortunate part is that I couldn't get ahold of my L Ac even after a dozen calls, two messages, and an email. I hope to call in the morning and reschedule for tomorrow while Bud is in school. Otherwise, I might be out of luck. In my head, she's staring at the machine and cursing me for having to change an appointment again, turning her back on the phone each time she recognizes my number. Daring me to even speak again to her tomorrow. Or, the receptionist is merely home, sick, and the phones are having to flip to voice mail. I suppose I'll learn in the morning.
I have noticed that I'm a wee bit more moody. This is definitely on my mind. Between nerves and the hormones, I'm concerned that Bud hasn't been getting the Mommy she deserves. She's an awesome, amazing child and I always feel like she deserves more from me. This definitely weighs on my mind as we go on this adventure together - will I be enhancing her life or taking her Mommy further away? Can I depend on the Hubs to step up and fulfill some of the needs I fill now? What happens if we're able to have another child? What happens if we have twins? Bud is getting jealous of our new kitten when it sits in my lap! What's a baby and all its needs going to be like to her?
I was speaking with another friend of mine/my massage practitioner today. I was saying how I'm not sure if I'm positive or negative throughout this. I was telling her that I'm blogging, but that I'm not getting as deeply emotional as some people do, and that is reflected in my writing. I'm not dragging my heart out on the page, and I think that's because I've been going through this for so long. I'm seeing what each day brings. I can do the procedures, line up my support, take care of my body, but, in the end, it's out of my hands. I would love to be in control of this, but I am not. I'm trying to find a sense of peace in that freedom. Even with the 22 cycles of trying to conceive Bud, I started to find a greater trust in the universe than I'd had for years. I could have been angry, and there were times I did despair. But at a certain point, I was okay with how long it was taking because I had faith the child would come. I felt that each month which passed brought me one month closer to my daughter.
Years ago, I saw a woman on TV saying that she was grateful for her infertility. She had adopted. She said that if not for her infertility, she would have missed out on her son, and that he was the most perfect child that she could have ever had. That she was meant to be his mom, and that if she had been able to have a biological child, she would have missed out on the child she was meant to have. I feel that way. Maybe it just takes a while to get the child who is most perfect for our family. I certainly felt that way about Bud. I am so incredibly lucky to be her mom, and I think of what other genetic combination could have occurred- it wouldn't have been Bud. She was meant for us, and if it took years to get that perfect combination of cells and soul, then it was worth the wait.
Fertility issues are hard. They affect marriage, family, faith, and your own sense of self. I've been lucky that my marriage has survived all of this. We/I have either been trying to get pregnant or stay pregnant for almost 90% of my marriage. Yes, we've had some breaks. There's only so long that I could sustain that level of pain and stress. But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that this is where my journey has taken me. That there were reasons that it has taken so long to get to these stage of our fertility treatments. It's not the end of our praying and asking the universe for help, but I'm hoping we're finally smoothing out our path and will be able to look directly into the sunrise - instead of wondering what is around the next corner, having to search for the light, unable to have a straight look at what is coming.
I know this next child is worth the wait. I hold that thought in my mind when I get discouraged. I've waited years. Waiting a few more days to see if we have eggs and then a few more for embryos and then a few weeks more to see about a pregnancy - ah ah ah! wait and wait and wait! But - it's a small length compared to waiting these three years trying for this child, and these twenty years waiting for my family to be completely created.
I can do this. What ever comes, I will find peace with it.
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