Over

It's done. I'll take the blood work tomorrow.  I've moved up my follow up appointment so we can discuss this cycle and decide if it's worth trying again.

I'm sad.  I'm crying.  Bud is making shooting stars and artwork with glitter to cheer me up.  She sees me sad and wants to do something.  I told her I was sorry that I can't give her a baby brother or a baby sister and she told me "It's okay, Mommy.  I'll make you something so you feel better".  She's all I need.

I want to go home. Not here, home, but the south, home. I want warm air and sunny days and to feel the healing heat on my face, the breeze through my hair, the accents in my ear.  I want to be warm.  I can't be warm here.  I can't be me here.  It's 55 degrees F and raining on May 22.  With this sadness comes homesickness like I haven't felt in years.

I don't know what we'll do next.  We wouldn't be able to start again until probably August. I watched my follicle counts plumment over the last year, so who knows what we'd even find then.  I hope to have an answer as to whether or not the puncture to my uterus could have compromised implantation to the point it is moot to try again.  I think of the reasons not to do this -save a lot of money, less risk to my body under anesthesia (there was a little trouble with my oxygen level at the last one), fewer punctures (they have trouble finding veins), and fewer needles.

Did you know that I've had over 150 needles in my body during this cycle?  I've had over 50 shots to my stomach alone.  I've had 10 acupuncture needles per session, twice a week, for the last five weeks and I'm to have more today.  I've had multiple blood draws, IV's, needles for egg retrieval.  And I wouldn't think twice about it if this had been successful.  I feel like I handled it fairly well.  I didn't get ridiculously moody, I took the shots and appointments in stride.  I'm still recovering from the egg retrieval.  Even today, 12 days later, I am tender around my left ovary.  I'm not in the pain I was, though.  But if it's pointless to try again?  A waste of money that could be used to drastically improve our quality of life?  I already have fantasies about turning the "office" (why do guys get an office?  what are they doing that women aren't doing?) into a den/art room instead of a baby's room.  I need space, room to breathe.  I could get a little of that by not doing this again.  But then I wouldn't have the stronger possibility of a baby in my life.

I need some time to process this.  Some time and preferably a warm, sunny beach.  Not here.  Here is gray and sad.  It's days like this I loathe it here.  Even Bud sees towns on TV and asks, "Does it rain there?" to figure out if we should move there.  She talks about moving to my home state when she grows up, because there it's warm.

And now I'm supposed to go back to regular life for a while. Finish up this cycle and appointments, have a test to confirm what is so obvious, and wait.  And think.  And figure out where do we go from here.