Monday, August 13, 2012

Negative in so many ways.

I'm sitting in my sadness.  I'm not doing anything today.  The Bud and I are having a Don Bluth marathon courtesy of netflix.  Fortunately, she seems to be digging the downtime.

I had a blood test early this morning, and my nurse called this afternoon with the results.  She seemed upset and told me she was so very sorry.  It's nice to have someone professional who obviously cares and genuinely sympathizes.  The test shows that, once again, the embryos did not even implant.  It's not a case of early miscarriage - they never had a chance.  It's like my body is toxic.  I am full of blame for myself and wonder if I'd skipped having wine between retrieval and transfer, had done some cleanse, become a vegetarian, whatever - something to make my body pure - would it have changed anything?  I truly feel that I have done something wrong.

I told Bud a short while ago.  She told me that we had one more chance and we would try hard and hope that it worked.  As I told her last time, I said the babies stopped developing and weren't in my body anymore.   I've been upfront with her during this process.  She's seen the shots and she's had the multiple appointments affect her schedule, she's seen the emotional impact.  She's asked questions along the way "How do they get back in your body?"  and I've also tried to explain that this isn't the way most babies are made.  Oddly, she hasn't asked how they usually are. I am honest with her and try to use descriptions that a four year old (almost five!) would understand, keeping my descriptions brief and allowing her to guide the conversation.  I think it has worked well for both of us.

I'm just so tired.  The nurse told me that if I wanted to proceed with the frozen embryo cycle, I'd have to start back on birth control pills on Wednesday, then, a few weeks later, do an ultrasound then begin lupron shots again and estrogen patches and later progesterone suppositories or intramuscular injections.  I'm not sure I'm ready for this all over again.  Or those blinding headaches from the birth control and lupron.  I wonder if I'll suddenly stumble across some way to assist implantation if I wait.  Even if we start in two days, the earliest transfer would be in six weeks.  I'll start the pills at least - I can always stop if I change my mind and want to wait.

Part of me wants to move forward just to finish.  Just to be done and sell or give away the baby gear, toys, clothes, in the basement.  To make Hub's office into a den/playroom as Bud has started needing more playspace and I've started needing a place of my own to decompress at times.  Having two embryos in the freezer is both a blessing and a curse at the moment.  This could have all been over.  Or it may be that one of them is my saving grace.

For now, though, I'll be grateful for my little girl and her being mellow with me, and a husband who emails me lots and lots of "smooches".  It's all I can handle right now.  I think I'll go curl up on the bed until he's home, while the Bud enjoys her fourth movie of the day.

2 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry for the outcome of this cycle. No matter how many we go through and how many BFNs we get, each one is as hard or harder than the previous. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair or right. Know that you did Everything in your power to be successful. Don't give up hope, those last snow embies deserve a chance to fulfill your dreams.

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    1. I hope you have better results. Please keep me posted on your result.

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