what is normal anyway?

I am cramping more and seem to have a menstrual flow.  I say "seem" because it is so odd to be spotting 5dp5dt (five days past a five day transfer) and then get a period three days early.  I'm a 14 day luteal phase girl usually.

I think of the things I've put on hold or cancelled or not committed - a beach trip with very dear friends, the overseas wedding of my best friend (I'm SO sorry, E.), the Disney trip with favorite family members.

And it bothers me that I've raised the hopes of my husband and daughter through this process.  I am somewhat numb.  I notice that I have some tears but nothing really coming through.  I was blabbering to the barista at our coffee shop and realized that I am holding on to my mind by a thin thread.

And, what bothers me, is that on some level I'm relieved.  I won't have twins. We're not turning our lives upside down.  I have two frozen embryos left and I feel like I need to transfer them, but I have little hope that they will work.  I'll do just one at a time, though.  (BTW, the rates for frozen embryo transfer  - FET- success are about the same as a fresh cycle nowadays.  Amazing how quickly technology and science advances.)

I'm puzzled and angry.  I didn't drink, I monitored my food and caffeine and medications.  I did guided relaxation and massage and acupuncture and put my feet up.  There is no magic recipe.  Some folks try so hard and it never happens.  I really thought we'd have a larger family than this.  Thank God we have one fantastic child already.  I think of my friends who have had a surprise pregnancy, even on birth control.  Although it must have turned their life on its end due to its unplanned nature, I do think how lucky they are.

And then there are the posts online that talk about "I was so sure I was getting my period - I was bleeding and cramping and then a BFP".   I don't think that will be me.  The only way to know will be a blood test.  My doctor's office will be reluctant to do one more than a day early, but I think I'll push, just to wrap this up.

And then what?  What do I do with two frozen embryos?  Jump in again?  I don't want to be much older or have much more time between children.  Wait indefinitely?  Try again in the winter?  To tell you the truth, the only reason to wait would be to go to Disneyland and know I could ride the rides with Bud. I've never been and I want to experience it with her.   Oh, and that whole don't make rash decisions when you're grieving thing.  Yeah, that's probably important somewhere in there.

I don't feel like the walking, bleeding, festering wound I did the first time around.  You know, so tender that the mere look of a friend was like a scraping over my raw heart.  I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with our daughter's preschool.  I really like these families (sometimes I wonder if they realize that I would like to be closer but I don't know how) but I remember how vulnerable I felt for weeks after last time - can I handle that again in close quarters, no escape, no drop and dash as I try not to look anyone in the eye because I know I'll start crying again?

No need to make decisions now, I suppose.  I did the mechanical process, now I'll do the emotional grieving process somehow.  It hurt so much last time, I think this time it will be harder because I want to bury it.  But maybe it will seem more normal.  The more normal I act, the more normal I'll believe it all has become.