Nervous this Morning and Dreams Show it.

Oh, I'm so nervous about this morning.  I wonder what they will find, how much pain I'll be in during recovery, if the nurse will have a difficult time getting the IV in again.  I'm such a chicken.

This means so much. Of course it does, that's why I'm writing about it.  I'm even dreaming about it.  One dream, I just dreamt I was putting shots into my belly over and over again, mechanical like.  No pain involved. It was like one of those dreams where you are an accountant and you just keep using a calculator. Last night's was more serious, in that I dreamt my husband left me because I couldn't produce mature eggs.  He took off his ring, didn't care that I might go out to party, and said that this would be a good point at which we should split.  I even bought a pack of cigarettes in my dream!  (I can't believe that I quit over ten years ago and yet still dream of the taste of cigarettes. Nasty little suckers.)  Obviously an anxiety dream.

I didn't realize that I had that fear until I woke up this morning.  It's not a real fear, but I suppose it is one of those what if things.  What if we hadn't had Bud and we realized this was the end of the line?  In my dream, we were both in shock and agony that this was over.  I wanted to do a third round but realized we couldn't afford it and odds would be too great against it.  And so we each handled it differently, going our separate ways, this driving a wedge between us as surely as a sign post at a crossroads - you go your way, I'll go mine, and never the twain shall meet.

Our marriage has actually handled this really well. I know some couples wake up and discover that this was all they had left to bind them, and when the treatments don't work, neither does their marriage - at least for a while.  But I do remember that feeling of waiting and suspension and coming despair and emotional mechanics that we experienced for so long prior to Bud, and I have some gleaning of what another couple who never conceived might experience.

I do wonder about that point - what if in two weeks we have a negative, no embryos, nothing.  We're done? Will my husband still clean out his office so we can create a better play area as Bud gets older?  Will we fight over selling and giving off all that gear in the basement which we've stored for five years?  How will this impact us as we settle into no longer having a dream of a larger family, but learning to accept and maybe embrace the concept of the small, single child family?  How much sadness will be in our home, even temporarily?  Will there be anger underlying everything, a sense of blame?

Ah, dreams - showing us fears we never even realized we had.