Nope. Nada. not pregnant. Sans embryo. No sign of any HCG whatsoever, so there was no implantation.
We have one last embryo. I've told them I don't want to wait another six months (give it time, heal, relax, enjoy) - I've got to get off this crazy train. I'll work with the nurses next week to design another FET cycle plan. Keep in mind that the earliest the transfer could even happen would be ten weeks minimum (and 12-14 is more realistic), so I'll still have to wait months to know about this last one.
The kicker is that we don't know if it's our good embryo or fair embryo. When they freeze, they put each embryo in its own straw after vitrification, so they have no idea which is which. So, we may have just put in our best shot, or that's the one waiting in the freezer.
And after that, I don't know. I realized yesterday during our appointment with the RE that Hubby still hasn't accepted the possibility that we are done with our family. That we are three. And I mean he hasn't come to terms with that at all. He wants to press forward. We talked about doing another fresh cycle, donor eggs, a shared donor plan (check this affordable one out, it's what we'd do if we did DE: http://www.myeggbank.com/donor-eggs/index.php?Welcome-to-Reproductive-Biology-Egg-Bank-1 ), embryo donation and how my mind was spinning.
And it all sounds very exciting until you realize that it could be another year on the crazy train, riding further into my forties, further away from Bud's young childhood. I worry that I've been so wrapped up in having a second baby that I've neglected my first. It's really hitting home to me that although I want to give her a sibling for the rest of her life, I may be not fully present to give her my attention throughout this process.
and we've been trying for almost seven frickin' years. Two for Bud, then sustaining a high risk pregnancy with her, then about 9 months off and back to baby making. At some point, I want this ride to stop so I can step off and enjoy the scenery. And maybe a scone and coffee at that nice bakery over there. Oh, look, a little used bookstore with all my favorite authors. By the sea. And hear that? It's Bud and the Hubs feeding seagulls bits of their hot dog buns and laughing and inviting me to join them. Cause that's what it really is all about.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Anxiety and Symptoms
I test tomorrow.
I've been testing on my own, but tomorrow is the official test. Blood. It sounds so final.
All of my tests have been negative. Well, mostly. I had the joy of finally using something other than the Wondfru $8 for 25 test strips (how reliable can they be for early testing?) this morning. And, joy of joys, I got an error message. That's $10 down the drain. and time and FMU. I tested again with the FRGD and another neg.
So, I sit here depressed and scared. Nothing I can do but worry. So, why worry? It's my nature.
I have been having symptoms, though. That's the nutso part. That's what makes me question my hormones and sanity.
Friday morning - transfer 6d hatching blast
Saturday night - cramps
Sunday night - headache begins
Monday - wake up with wicked congestion and achy head.
Tuesday - Thursday morning - headcold feeling continues. I feel truly yucky at various times of the day.
Wednesday night - nausea after dinner. Can't move, curled up on the couch nausea. Face flushed on just one side. weird.
Thursday afternoon - the coldache feeling has dissipated somewhat. In its wake is that feeling of being carsick. I remember this. This is what morning sickness felt like.
Thursday evening - was that a throbbing breast for 2 seconds or my imagination? I'll go with imagination. After dinner, my face flushed bright, bright red for several minutes. weird.
Thursday night - nausea so bad that I wake up in the middle of the night, discovering I'm doubled over, wrapped around my pillow with my face burrowed in it to feel the cool pillowcase.
Friday - feeling sorta okay. Wait - what the hell is that smell at snack time? I should love that, right? I want a candy bar. I don't like candy. I want hamburgers. Okay, that's normal. Time to change clothes. Man, my breasts are tender. Wait - no, no, that's going to be chalked up to my imagination, too. No flushing this evening. Cramping, though.
and throughout it all, the headache continues...as do the negative tests.
I have blood work tomorrow morning. I should know tomorrow afternoon if there's any chance. I still won't know because I'll have to have follow up bloodwork if there is any detectable level.
Or there might just be blood tomorrow morning. Who knows? I don't, that's for sure.
I've been testing on my own, but tomorrow is the official test. Blood. It sounds so final.
All of my tests have been negative. Well, mostly. I had the joy of finally using something other than the Wondfru $8 for 25 test strips (how reliable can they be for early testing?) this morning. And, joy of joys, I got an error message. That's $10 down the drain. and time and FMU. I tested again with the FRGD and another neg.
So, I sit here depressed and scared. Nothing I can do but worry. So, why worry? It's my nature.
I have been having symptoms, though. That's the nutso part. That's what makes me question my hormones and sanity.
Friday morning - transfer 6d hatching blast
Saturday night - cramps
Sunday night - headache begins
Monday - wake up with wicked congestion and achy head.
Tuesday - Thursday morning - headcold feeling continues. I feel truly yucky at various times of the day.
Wednesday night - nausea after dinner. Can't move, curled up on the couch nausea. Face flushed on just one side. weird.
Thursday afternoon - the coldache feeling has dissipated somewhat. In its wake is that feeling of being carsick. I remember this. This is what morning sickness felt like.
Thursday evening - was that a throbbing breast for 2 seconds or my imagination? I'll go with imagination. After dinner, my face flushed bright, bright red for several minutes. weird.
Thursday night - nausea so bad that I wake up in the middle of the night, discovering I'm doubled over, wrapped around my pillow with my face burrowed in it to feel the cool pillowcase.
Friday - feeling sorta okay. Wait - what the hell is that smell at snack time? I should love that, right? I want a candy bar. I don't like candy. I want hamburgers. Okay, that's normal. Time to change clothes. Man, my breasts are tender. Wait - no, no, that's going to be chalked up to my imagination, too. No flushing this evening. Cramping, though.
and throughout it all, the headache continues...as do the negative tests.
I have blood work tomorrow morning. I should know tomorrow afternoon if there's any chance. I still won't know because I'll have to have follow up bloodwork if there is any detectable level.
Or there might just be blood tomorrow morning. Who knows? I don't, that's for sure.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Hmmmmm....
Feels like I've got mild contractions or light cramping going on. On and off for the last three and a half hours.
Hmmmmm.....
Hmmmmm.....
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Looking Forward
I'm starting to get nervous. And excited. Tomorrow is it! Transfer!
I'm hydrating like a mad woman tonight. I'll have to go ten hours without food or beverage until I get that blessed saline IV. I even tried coconut water - eeeewwwwww. I'll have to try it flavored I know that it's supposed to give lots of natural electrolytes and Vitamin C, both great for my body right now, but I'll go back to my smart water.
I'm going to take it easy. Got my Project Runway on, going to take a nice bath since I can't have scents on me tomorrow. (I worry about my breath since I'm not supposed to brush my teeth, and don't get me started on the lack of deodorant and anxiety sweat.) I've got Bud in our bed tonight for snuggling, a good book, and my Beecher's Mac & Cheese and some asparagus to steam for my after transfer lunch.
I'm ready, I'm prepared, I don't know what else to do... someone! tell me what else to do to keep myself busy! I think I'll go nuts waiting. Particularly because I'm more optimistic than I've been.
I suspect I'll know by this time next week one way or the other. But the question is - will I tell anyone else??
I'm hydrating like a mad woman tonight. I'll have to go ten hours without food or beverage until I get that blessed saline IV. I even tried coconut water - eeeewwwwww. I'll have to try it flavored I know that it's supposed to give lots of natural electrolytes and Vitamin C, both great for my body right now, but I'll go back to my smart water.
I'm going to take it easy. Got my Project Runway on, going to take a nice bath since I can't have scents on me tomorrow. (I worry about my breath since I'm not supposed to brush my teeth, and don't get me started on the lack of deodorant and anxiety sweat.) I've got Bud in our bed tonight for snuggling, a good book, and my Beecher's Mac & Cheese and some asparagus to steam for my after transfer lunch.
I'm ready, I'm prepared, I don't know what else to do... someone! tell me what else to do to keep myself busy! I think I'll go nuts waiting. Particularly because I'm more optimistic than I've been.
I suspect I'll know by this time next week one way or the other. But the question is - will I tell anyone else??
Monday, January 28, 2013
Hit Me with Your Last Shot
Oh, yeah, baby, last shot was last night! I've chosen not to do acupuncture this time around, and I've only had to have one shot a night for the last month. Til tonight - with no shots!
I did start progesterone and upped the metformin to two a day. I'm trying everything. I'm on the prenatals, the Vitamin D, Mag citrate, 5mg metholated folate, baby aspirin, blood pressure medications, asthma medications, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something I need to start putting all my pills into those bins truly old people use. And I'll need three a day. oh, and I'm on estrace each night.
This all seems rather anticlimactic I suppose that's why I haven't been blogging about it. It's much more gentle. I'm also not as wrapped up in it. We know that there is an embryo. We don't have to see how many, or if it will go to five days, etc. Questions have been answered, tests have been completed. Move along, nothing to see here. Well, unless you count the fact that we still don't know if the embryo will implant!!
I have the frozen embryo transfer this upcoming Friday, Feb. 1, 2013.
I did end up having the endometrial biopsy. I have since seen a meta study that shows of the five studies, @550 women had this procedure and the results, although small, were consistent. The live birth rate was DOUBLED with this procedure. So, early January, I had this procedure under anesthesia. I'd read some horror stories about it, so those, coupled with my tendency to have painful procedures, led me to choose anesthesia. And my insurance paid for it. Oh, yeah, baby! Pain management in action. I woke up with some intense cramping/contractions that dissipated mostly by that evening and had only clusters for the next week. My own surgeon classified the procedure as "intense".
I'm getting excited. I daydream about telling people, how long I'll wait, if i'll wait, do I surprise family and friends other places by visiting, etc. I'm optimistic. Which I wasn't for a long time, and now I am.
Overall, this has been a much more gentle, less stressful procedure. Although I say less stressful, I've definitely had my basketcase moments caused by hormones - emotional flare ups that are unlike what i had during the IVF protocol despite both having lupron. I have been depressed, moody, anxious, flighty, spacey, easily angered and easily frustrated. I've been on edge and hard to talk down and even had a major panic attack one day, all day, and then emotionally vomited on a group of friends (at least it wasn't physical vomiting, because that has typically happened with panic attacks in the past and it ain't pretty even when I'm the only witness).
However, my body doesn't feel like it's had as much to go through. I've also cleared my schedule more. I quit my very slight part time job, I chose not to add in the acupuncture this time, I did not pursue the yoga or nutrition classes and I've not had to have so many tests. It's made a major difference in the way I feel about this. At one point, I was lucky to have two hours unscheduled, free! in a day a couple times a week. I don't count sleeping and eating because you really have to do that to survive, you know? I realized that I had to make some major shifts. Also, that this running amok thing might be a contributing factor to the lack of baby.
I'm now in part two of my SET FET protocol. Yes, SET - single embryo transfer. I'm not up for twins, the family isn't up for twins, the stats show that it only increases chances by maybe 5% - 10%. And, if after all this, we're still not pregnant, we have one more try. But I'm not thinking about that, just this project. I almost wrote "round", but that makes it sound like we're going to do this again soon. Don't think that's likely.
Famous last words.
I did start progesterone and upped the metformin to two a day. I'm trying everything. I'm on the prenatals, the Vitamin D, Mag citrate, 5mg metholated folate, baby aspirin, blood pressure medications, asthma medications, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something I need to start putting all my pills into those bins truly old people use. And I'll need three a day. oh, and I'm on estrace each night.
This all seems rather anticlimactic I suppose that's why I haven't been blogging about it. It's much more gentle. I'm also not as wrapped up in it. We know that there is an embryo. We don't have to see how many, or if it will go to five days, etc. Questions have been answered, tests have been completed. Move along, nothing to see here. Well, unless you count the fact that we still don't know if the embryo will implant!!
I have the frozen embryo transfer this upcoming Friday, Feb. 1, 2013.
I did end up having the endometrial biopsy. I have since seen a meta study that shows of the five studies, @550 women had this procedure and the results, although small, were consistent. The live birth rate was DOUBLED with this procedure. So, early January, I had this procedure under anesthesia. I'd read some horror stories about it, so those, coupled with my tendency to have painful procedures, led me to choose anesthesia. And my insurance paid for it. Oh, yeah, baby! Pain management in action. I woke up with some intense cramping/contractions that dissipated mostly by that evening and had only clusters for the next week. My own surgeon classified the procedure as "intense".
I'm getting excited. I daydream about telling people, how long I'll wait, if i'll wait, do I surprise family and friends other places by visiting, etc. I'm optimistic. Which I wasn't for a long time, and now I am.
Overall, this has been a much more gentle, less stressful procedure. Although I say less stressful, I've definitely had my basketcase moments caused by hormones - emotional flare ups that are unlike what i had during the IVF protocol despite both having lupron. I have been depressed, moody, anxious, flighty, spacey, easily angered and easily frustrated. I've been on edge and hard to talk down and even had a major panic attack one day, all day, and then emotionally vomited on a group of friends (at least it wasn't physical vomiting, because that has typically happened with panic attacks in the past and it ain't pretty even when I'm the only witness).
However, my body doesn't feel like it's had as much to go through. I've also cleared my schedule more. I quit my very slight part time job, I chose not to add in the acupuncture this time, I did not pursue the yoga or nutrition classes and I've not had to have so many tests. It's made a major difference in the way I feel about this. At one point, I was lucky to have two hours unscheduled, free! in a day a couple times a week. I don't count sleeping and eating because you really have to do that to survive, you know? I realized that I had to make some major shifts. Also, that this running amok thing might be a contributing factor to the lack of baby.
I'm now in part two of my SET FET protocol. Yes, SET - single embryo transfer. I'm not up for twins, the family isn't up for twins, the stats show that it only increases chances by maybe 5% - 10%. And, if after all this, we're still not pregnant, we have one more try. But I'm not thinking about that, just this project. I almost wrote "round", but that makes it sound like we're going to do this again soon. Don't think that's likely.
Famous last words.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Results are back and boy are my research fingers tired.
Got more results today! In addition to having genes, clotting and autoimmune testing, also tested blood pressures and blood sugars and saw a nutritionist. I need my triglycerides tested and I'll be done. As I've researched the results, I have found fascinating studies along the way. I'm documenting them below for my own use as well as anyone else who is wondering about tests and treatments for implantation issues.
At this point, I've seen each professional and had almost every test that was recommended by my RE. The nutritionist advised me to stick with the methyl folate prenatals, walk 10,000 steps a day, and changed my vit D supplement to 4,000 iu/day instead of a weekly. We also discussed a low carb diet and portion size and that starchy vegetables like beans were a good thing.
I did have the MTHFR gene tested. 30% of the population has one mutation; I am positive for two mutations. My doc will prescribe 4g methyl folate for me. I would love to hear from others what they have been prescribed for this. I may see a naturopath about this, one who has been educated at Bastyr, where I have been told that so much of the work on this has been done. Here's a great summary: http://healingthewholechild.com/2012/03/01/mthfr-mutations/ . So, with folate issues, histamine levels/homocysteine can raise, which can lead to implantation issues and high risk pregnancies (as I had with Bud). http://humupd.oxfordjournals.org/content/14/5/485.full.pdf . This is not to say that my histamine levels are raised, they have not been checked. I'm seeing notes that it can also affect IBS and anemia, too.
My Vitamin D came in at 24.1, so it’s good that my nutritionist put me on a dose since I thought the summer sun had been okay and stopped my weeklys (50,000 IU) for the summer. A Yale study on the effect of Vitamin D deficiency on implantation may be found here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15905361 . There are conflicting studies on whether or not it helps with insulin resistance in women with PCOS (which I may or may not have.) Pro: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21613813 Con: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22464806. And last one, this article discusses its effect on endometriosis (me!), hypertension and pre-eclampsia (me!) PCOS (me?) and gestational diabetes (me!). It's all about me, right? http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3239848/?tool=pubmed .
My A1C is 5.8 which is just mildly elevated. It usually would not be treated but they hope to head off GD and delay any prediabetes by going ahead with metformin. It has actually lowered each year for the last three tests.
I also tested positive for Factor V Leiden mutation which is a blood clotting issue (5-10% of the population has this), and abnormally high for the Protein S, Free antigen (136), which if too low would also be a blood clotting issue (okay if high? I’m doing research on that .) The doc is thinking no birth control pills for me, baby aspirin, and a sub cu shot if I become pregnant for a mild blood thinner. Here is a discussion on blood clotting and its effect on implantation here: http://www.reproductivemedicineinstitute.com/pages/peri-implantation .
Everything else, including Thyroid antibodies, were normal. The hypertensive pregnancy guru found that I am hypertensive in both ways, so I am now on two blood pressure medications. I am taking my blood sugars and so far, ever one is less than 130 an hour after a meal. Most in the 120’s, with a few lower than 100, particularly fasting. If anything, I worry that my blood sugar is too low fasting now since i am on the metformin. There are some issues with metformin and B12 deficiency in people with the MTHFR gene: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17908667 . Here's another article - I think i'll start supplementing with B12, too. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2874129/pdf/bmj.c2181.pdf .With the information on my newfound hypertension, we are now thinking of transferring one embryo at a time. Of course, this costs an extra $5,000. Ironic that the healthiest thing to do is not covered by my insurance or Attain plan. It all comes down to money vs. health.
So, we move forward with this information. The nurses are looking over calendars and I hope to have a new date for FET by the end of the week. We'll also do the endometrial biopsy. Those research studies, although small in test groups, have amazing results.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Gripes
A friend just announced she is pregnant with her third child. I find myself fighting back tears and also feeling like a lousy friend. Of course, I'm happy for her, but I'm more miserable for me.
It also sucks that I have to wait months because I decided to demand certain tests, and they've timed it so I have to wait out multiple cycles, which puts everything at the holidays - something I was trying to avoid. So, I either wait more months or screw my family's holiday plans up. I could travel, but I shouldn't be lifting heavy luggage, etc. I'm supposed to do no strenuous activity during those waiting days, so walking all day on a vacation wouldn't fit that.
I'm still pissed at my doctor. They said I'd wait a week, which would have meant today, Friday, and I could have the tests and have worked it into my next cycle. i would start pills tonight, after the bloodwork, and really have only missed a few weeks. Now it's another four. I feel like it was a whole big "you want tests? I'll give you freakin' tests!" kind of thing. Like, what's up with the glucose test and my taking hours out of my day instead of doing an A1C which is supposed to be more reliable?
I'm asking for that, but I feel like each time I ask for something different, I'm becoming more of their adversary. The Hubs and I are even arguing over treatment nowadays - we're both stressed out about it. I agreed to have a second opinion if he does the research and finds the doctor, but I know that won't happen. He doesn't have time for that.
So, I have this house full of baby clothes and baby gear and baby toys and no baby. It all surrounds me. I think of going ahead and selling it or giving it away, but what happens if we are able to have another baby? It just sits in my basement and mocks me. Every time I go downstairs, I see these things which in my heart I believe we will never get to use again. They climb up the walls and stare down at me, looming large and blocking out the light. When I clean, I always find some tiny toy from when Bud was extra small. Or something she rediscovered from storage and has brought upstairs to explore. It's like living with a ghost baby. It just shows the hole in our family even more. There's no place for it to go, so I just get these reminders every moment of every day that I have no more babies to celebrate.
Others can get drunk on spring break and get knocked up. Me, I can't spend tens of thousands of dollars to do it. I have some of the best medical help in the country, and I can't create a life. I can't give the two people who are most precious to me in the world something they so desperately want. And that hurts.
I worry I have squandered money on what was never to be. At least we're not in as much debt over it as some couples are, but I could have used that towards the child we do have. Sometimes there's this laughtrack going on when I think about how much I want this.
And, please, no more asking about why I don't just adopt. I'm not waiting four years (the Hubs would be in his 50's!) and spending tens of thousands of dollars more to adopt a child from another country. My family can't stretch for that. In fact, it's pissed me off that I have people in my life who act like it's so easy. Maybe if that's the original route we were to take, 8 years ago, but it's not and that avenue is closed for us. I'd like for you to accept that and stop think of me as someone who breeds for her own ego and not to enjoy a child. That's insulting and demeaning to my daughter and any future children we may or may not have.
wow, I'm really on a rant today. Pain pisses me off.
It also sucks that I have to wait months because I decided to demand certain tests, and they've timed it so I have to wait out multiple cycles, which puts everything at the holidays - something I was trying to avoid. So, I either wait more months or screw my family's holiday plans up. I could travel, but I shouldn't be lifting heavy luggage, etc. I'm supposed to do no strenuous activity during those waiting days, so walking all day on a vacation wouldn't fit that.
I'm still pissed at my doctor. They said I'd wait a week, which would have meant today, Friday, and I could have the tests and have worked it into my next cycle. i would start pills tonight, after the bloodwork, and really have only missed a few weeks. Now it's another four. I feel like it was a whole big "you want tests? I'll give you freakin' tests!" kind of thing. Like, what's up with the glucose test and my taking hours out of my day instead of doing an A1C which is supposed to be more reliable?
I'm asking for that, but I feel like each time I ask for something different, I'm becoming more of their adversary. The Hubs and I are even arguing over treatment nowadays - we're both stressed out about it. I agreed to have a second opinion if he does the research and finds the doctor, but I know that won't happen. He doesn't have time for that.
So, I have this house full of baby clothes and baby gear and baby toys and no baby. It all surrounds me. I think of going ahead and selling it or giving it away, but what happens if we are able to have another baby? It just sits in my basement and mocks me. Every time I go downstairs, I see these things which in my heart I believe we will never get to use again. They climb up the walls and stare down at me, looming large and blocking out the light. When I clean, I always find some tiny toy from when Bud was extra small. Or something she rediscovered from storage and has brought upstairs to explore. It's like living with a ghost baby. It just shows the hole in our family even more. There's no place for it to go, so I just get these reminders every moment of every day that I have no more babies to celebrate.
Others can get drunk on spring break and get knocked up. Me, I can't spend tens of thousands of dollars to do it. I have some of the best medical help in the country, and I can't create a life. I can't give the two people who are most precious to me in the world something they so desperately want. And that hurts.
I worry I have squandered money on what was never to be. At least we're not in as much debt over it as some couples are, but I could have used that towards the child we do have. Sometimes there's this laughtrack going on when I think about how much I want this.
And, please, no more asking about why I don't just adopt. I'm not waiting four years (the Hubs would be in his 50's!) and spending tens of thousands of dollars more to adopt a child from another country. My family can't stretch for that. In fact, it's pissed me off that I have people in my life who act like it's so easy. Maybe if that's the original route we were to take, 8 years ago, but it's not and that avenue is closed for us. I'd like for you to accept that and stop think of me as someone who breeds for her own ego and not to enjoy a child. That's insulting and demeaning to my daughter and any future children we may or may not have.
wow, I'm really on a rant today. Pain pisses me off.
Friday, September 14, 2012
FET postponed, Tests ordered
Ah, decisions. and this is why it is ridiculous that they don't want to see you until 7 weeks after your egg retrieval.
First, I put off starting medication for this cycle so i could suddenly go to my friend's wedding. That moved everything by two weeks, so I would have begun shots today, Friday. Which ended up being good, i think. Otherwise, I would have been well into medication before sitting down with the doctor on Wednesday, day before yesterday.
We discussed the normal things - what else could be done to improve success, etc. She mentioned that I could take a baby aspirin each day as that wouldn't harm anything. She also mentioned a procedure that has helped implantation in some very, very small studies - an endometrial biopsy. They would take a little scraping of the lining of the uterus just before I would come off birth control pills, before my bleed. The theory is that as this is healing, it's also making the womb more receptive to implantation. There have been studies in Israel, Brazil, and China. My doctor said that the studies were so small and on women in their thirties (vs. me at 40) to warrant trying it, although she has when a patient has requested it. She did not recommend it since I would probably want anesthesia and she thinks the risks inherent in anesthesia outweigh the untested gain. If you look at the studies, you'll see that most claim to double the rates of implantation. That's worth it to me!
I sure as hell would have anesthesia. The stories I've read have varied from no big deal to screaming bloody murder and passing out on the table in pain, so I think the anesthesia is the right choice. And I think the endo biopsy is the right choice - may as well try it! Well, doc and co did not seem happy with this. oh, to book the only OR they had for this procedure, oh, to have to do it so fast since I'd need it by Tuesday (which could have been solved if I could have been seen weeks ago for follow up), and I could be bumped because the transfers had to come first, etc.
I stood up and said, yes, after second guessing myself and my instincts and my husband saying he wanted a second opinion from another doctor and my explaining that this is thefourth fifth person I'd have seen regarding fertility issues and the second fertility clinic (loathed the first one) I've tried. So, unless we're looking out of town or state and want to invest a crapload more money, we're SOL. We've prepaid for the FET and I don't want to lose that investment.
My second opinion has really been doing research online, reading abstracts of reproductive health papers (and sometimes the papers themselves), talking to women who have gone through this, reading forums, etc. I don't blindly follow my doctors as a certain Hubs seems to think at times. I know he's frustrated and scared. He wants to rail against something and there's no definite foe or magic answer to find. As I was discussing this issue with some trusted ladies in my circle, a few brought up tests. I'd been tested for autoimmune disorders and clotting, of course, right? Because that's what every doctor did before you walked down that expensive IVF path, right?
I remembered that I had asked about it before. And I had asked about autoimmune issues and clotting disorders again in my email after the second failure, but we didn't discuss it during our meeting, so I sent a follow up email after telling them that I wanted the biopsy.
I was told that because I had carried a baby to term and had never miscarried, that those issues wouldn't be applicable and would be treated with a baby aspirin. I relayed the info and the aforementioned ladies were indignant on my behalf and pushed that I advocate more strongly for myself. I trust their opinions. Some have walked to this cliff edge and more than one has jumped off of it, so they know.
I sent an email this morning saying I understood their logic, but that I now want to be checked for these issues before proceeding. Arrgghh - well, this means you'll have to change your calendar and put transfer off for a few months and we can't give you a date because you'll have to come off the birth control pills, bleed, then have the test, then have a period, and then start the pills again and go through all this and am I up for that?
And, since I mentioned I didn't want to regret not doing all I could, they'd like me to repeat another test - a two hour fasting glucose. And now see a dietitian (really??? you don't think you could have freakin' pushed this before the first IVF cycle when there was more time?? especially as seeing that I've been at the same plateau the entire time you've seen me as a patient in the last three years?) as well as see either my GP or a specialist because I've had high blood pressure the last couple of times I've been in.
Fine, doc, I will jump through your hoops. As I've mentioned, i'm locked in. I can't pull out and go elsewhere unless it's another integremed/attain clinic and then it's out of state. And I will do my research and have an adversarial relationship as I feel that I'm the only one really pushing to find answers and to try.
I've been ripped up about all of this for days, questions piling on top of other questions, trust issues, stress, timing, etc. It's probably best that this now means a transfer between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which would suck for our schedule, so it may really be in January. And now this won't overlap with the beginning of school, kick off of treasurer duties, fundraising season, and the search for a therapist that can work with insurance craziness of denial despite my daughter needing them for her motor skill disorder. So, stress has abounded. (see: high blood pressure and specialist).
No, I don't fulfill your criteria for further tests and I want a procedure that hasn't been vetted as much as you'd like for its success . But I'm not a statistic. We beat the odds once by having a fantastic daughter - who's to say we're not an outlier again?
First, I put off starting medication for this cycle so i could suddenly go to my friend's wedding. That moved everything by two weeks, so I would have begun shots today, Friday. Which ended up being good, i think. Otherwise, I would have been well into medication before sitting down with the doctor on Wednesday, day before yesterday.
We discussed the normal things - what else could be done to improve success, etc. She mentioned that I could take a baby aspirin each day as that wouldn't harm anything. She also mentioned a procedure that has helped implantation in some very, very small studies - an endometrial biopsy. They would take a little scraping of the lining of the uterus just before I would come off birth control pills, before my bleed. The theory is that as this is healing, it's also making the womb more receptive to implantation. There have been studies in Israel, Brazil, and China. My doctor said that the studies were so small and on women in their thirties (vs. me at 40) to warrant trying it, although she has when a patient has requested it. She did not recommend it since I would probably want anesthesia and she thinks the risks inherent in anesthesia outweigh the untested gain. If you look at the studies, you'll see that most claim to double the rates of implantation. That's worth it to me!
I sure as hell would have anesthesia. The stories I've read have varied from no big deal to screaming bloody murder and passing out on the table in pain, so I think the anesthesia is the right choice. And I think the endo biopsy is the right choice - may as well try it! Well, doc and co did not seem happy with this. oh, to book the only OR they had for this procedure, oh, to have to do it so fast since I'd need it by Tuesday (which could have been solved if I could have been seen weeks ago for follow up), and I could be bumped because the transfers had to come first, etc.
I stood up and said, yes, after second guessing myself and my instincts and my husband saying he wanted a second opinion from another doctor and my explaining that this is the
My second opinion has really been doing research online, reading abstracts of reproductive health papers (and sometimes the papers themselves), talking to women who have gone through this, reading forums, etc. I don't blindly follow my doctors as a certain Hubs seems to think at times. I know he's frustrated and scared. He wants to rail against something and there's no definite foe or magic answer to find. As I was discussing this issue with some trusted ladies in my circle, a few brought up tests. I'd been tested for autoimmune disorders and clotting, of course, right? Because that's what every doctor did before you walked down that expensive IVF path, right?
I remembered that I had asked about it before. And I had asked about autoimmune issues and clotting disorders again in my email after the second failure, but we didn't discuss it during our meeting, so I sent a follow up email after telling them that I wanted the biopsy.
I was told that because I had carried a baby to term and had never miscarried, that those issues wouldn't be applicable and would be treated with a baby aspirin. I relayed the info and the aforementioned ladies were indignant on my behalf and pushed that I advocate more strongly for myself. I trust their opinions. Some have walked to this cliff edge and more than one has jumped off of it, so they know.
I sent an email this morning saying I understood their logic, but that I now want to be checked for these issues before proceeding. Arrgghh - well, this means you'll have to change your calendar and put transfer off for a few months and we can't give you a date because you'll have to come off the birth control pills, bleed, then have the test, then have a period, and then start the pills again and go through all this and am I up for that?
And, since I mentioned I didn't want to regret not doing all I could, they'd like me to repeat another test - a two hour fasting glucose. And now see a dietitian (really??? you don't think you could have freakin' pushed this before the first IVF cycle when there was more time?? especially as seeing that I've been at the same plateau the entire time you've seen me as a patient in the last three years?) as well as see either my GP or a specialist because I've had high blood pressure the last couple of times I've been in.
Fine, doc, I will jump through your hoops. As I've mentioned, i'm locked in. I can't pull out and go elsewhere unless it's another integremed/attain clinic and then it's out of state. And I will do my research and have an adversarial relationship as I feel that I'm the only one really pushing to find answers and to try.
I've been ripped up about all of this for days, questions piling on top of other questions, trust issues, stress, timing, etc. It's probably best that this now means a transfer between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which would suck for our schedule, so it may really be in January. And now this won't overlap with the beginning of school, kick off of treasurer duties, fundraising season, and the search for a therapist that can work with insurance craziness of denial despite my daughter needing them for her motor skill disorder. So, stress has abounded. (see: high blood pressure and specialist).
No, I don't fulfill your criteria for further tests and I want a procedure that hasn't been vetted as much as you'd like for its success . But I'm not a statistic. We beat the odds once by having a fantastic daughter - who's to say we're not an outlier again?
Monday, August 13, 2012
Negative in so many ways.
I'm sitting in my sadness. I'm not doing anything today. The Bud and I are having a Don Bluth marathon courtesy of netflix. Fortunately, she seems to be digging the downtime.
I had a blood test early this morning, and my nurse called this afternoon with the results. She seemed upset and told me she was so very sorry. It's nice to have someone professional who obviously cares and genuinely sympathizes. The test shows that, once again, the embryos did not even implant. It's not a case of early miscarriage - they never had a chance. It's like my body is toxic. I am full of blame for myself and wonder if I'd skipped having wine between retrieval and transfer, had done some cleanse, become a vegetarian, whatever - something to make my body pure - would it have changed anything? I truly feel that I have done something wrong.
I told Bud a short while ago. She told me that we had one more chance and we would try hard and hope that it worked. As I told her last time, I said the babies stopped developing and weren't in my body anymore. I've been upfront with her during this process. She's seen the shots and she's had the multiple appointments affect her schedule, she's seen the emotional impact. She's asked questions along the way "How do they get back in your body?" and I've also tried to explain that this isn't the way most babies are made. Oddly, she hasn't asked how they usually are. I am honest with her and try to use descriptions that a four year old (almost five!) would understand, keeping my descriptions brief and allowing her to guide the conversation. I think it has worked well for both of us.
I'm just so tired. The nurse told me that if I wanted to proceed with the frozen embryo cycle, I'd have to start back on birth control pills on Wednesday, then, a few weeks later, do an ultrasound then begin lupron shots again and estrogen patches and later progesterone suppositories or intramuscular injections. I'm not sure I'm ready for this all over again. Or those blinding headaches from the birth control and lupron. I wonder if I'll suddenly stumble across some way to assist implantation if I wait. Even if we start in two days, the earliest transfer would be in six weeks. I'll start the pills at least - I can always stop if I change my mind and want to wait.
Part of me wants to move forward just to finish. Just to be done and sell or give away the baby gear, toys, clothes, in the basement. To make Hub's office into a den/playroom as Bud has started needing more playspace and I've started needing a place of my own to decompress at times. Having two embryos in the freezer is both a blessing and a curse at the moment. This could have all been over. Or it may be that one of them is my saving grace.
For now, though, I'll be grateful for my little girl and her being mellow with me, and a husband who emails me lots and lots of "smooches". It's all I can handle right now. I think I'll go curl up on the bed until he's home, while the Bud enjoys her fourth movie of the day.
I had a blood test early this morning, and my nurse called this afternoon with the results. She seemed upset and told me she was so very sorry. It's nice to have someone professional who obviously cares and genuinely sympathizes. The test shows that, once again, the embryos did not even implant. It's not a case of early miscarriage - they never had a chance. It's like my body is toxic. I am full of blame for myself and wonder if I'd skipped having wine between retrieval and transfer, had done some cleanse, become a vegetarian, whatever - something to make my body pure - would it have changed anything? I truly feel that I have done something wrong.
I told Bud a short while ago. She told me that we had one more chance and we would try hard and hope that it worked. As I told her last time, I said the babies stopped developing and weren't in my body anymore. I've been upfront with her during this process. She's seen the shots and she's had the multiple appointments affect her schedule, she's seen the emotional impact. She's asked questions along the way "How do they get back in your body?" and I've also tried to explain that this isn't the way most babies are made. Oddly, she hasn't asked how they usually are. I am honest with her and try to use descriptions that a four year old (almost five!) would understand, keeping my descriptions brief and allowing her to guide the conversation. I think it has worked well for both of us.
I'm just so tired. The nurse told me that if I wanted to proceed with the frozen embryo cycle, I'd have to start back on birth control pills on Wednesday, then, a few weeks later, do an ultrasound then begin lupron shots again and estrogen patches and later progesterone suppositories or intramuscular injections. I'm not sure I'm ready for this all over again. Or those blinding headaches from the birth control and lupron. I wonder if I'll suddenly stumble across some way to assist implantation if I wait. Even if we start in two days, the earliest transfer would be in six weeks. I'll start the pills at least - I can always stop if I change my mind and want to wait.
Part of me wants to move forward just to finish. Just to be done and sell or give away the baby gear, toys, clothes, in the basement. To make Hub's office into a den/playroom as Bud has started needing more playspace and I've started needing a place of my own to decompress at times. Having two embryos in the freezer is both a blessing and a curse at the moment. This could have all been over. Or it may be that one of them is my saving grace.
For now, though, I'll be grateful for my little girl and her being mellow with me, and a husband who emails me lots and lots of "smooches". It's all I can handle right now. I think I'll go curl up on the bed until he's home, while the Bud enjoys her fourth movie of the day.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
what is normal anyway?
I am cramping more and seem to have a menstrual flow. I say "seem" because it is so odd to be spotting 5dp5dt (five days past a five day transfer) and then get a period three days early. I'm a 14 day luteal phase girl usually.
I think of the things I've put on hold or cancelled or not committed - a beach trip with very dear friends, the overseas wedding of my best friend (I'm SO sorry, E.), the Disney trip with favorite family members.
And it bothers me that I've raised the hopes of my husband and daughter through this process. I am somewhat numb. I notice that I have some tears but nothing really coming through. I was blabbering to the barista at our coffee shop and realized that I am holding on to my mind by a thin thread.
And, what bothers me, is that on some level I'm relieved. I won't have twins. We're not turning our lives upside down. I have two frozen embryos left and I feel like I need to transfer them, but I have little hope that they will work. I'll do just one at a time, though. (BTW, the rates for frozen embryo transfer - FET- success are about the same as a fresh cycle nowadays. Amazing how quickly technology and science advances.)
I'm puzzled and angry. I didn't drink, I monitored my food and caffeine and medications. I did guided relaxation and massage and acupuncture and put my feet up. There is no magic recipe. Some folks try so hard and it never happens. I really thought we'd have a larger family than this. Thank God we have one fantastic child already. I think of my friends who have had a surprise pregnancy, even on birth control. Although it must have turned their life on its end due to its unplanned nature, I do think how lucky they are.
And then there are the posts online that talk about "I was so sure I was getting my period - I was bleeding and cramping and then a BFP". I don't think that will be me. The only way to know will be a blood test. My doctor's office will be reluctant to do one more than a day early, but I think I'll push, just to wrap this up.
And then what? What do I do with two frozen embryos? Jump in again? I don't want to be much older or have much more time between children. Wait indefinitely? Try again in the winter? To tell you the truth, the only reason to wait would be to go to Disneyland and know I could ride the rides with Bud. I've never been and I want to experience it with her. Oh, and that whole don't make rash decisions when you're grieving thing. Yeah, that's probably important somewhere in there.
I don't feel like the walking, bleeding, festering wound I did the first time around. You know, so tender that the mere look of a friend was like a scraping over my raw heart. I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with our daughter's preschool. I really like these families (sometimes I wonder if they realize that I would like to be closer but I don't know how) but I remember how vulnerable I felt for weeks after last time - can I handle that again in close quarters, no escape, no drop and dash as I try not to look anyone in the eye because I know I'll start crying again?
No need to make decisions now, I suppose. I did the mechanical process, now I'll do the emotional grieving process somehow. It hurt so much last time, I think this time it will be harder because I want to bury it. But maybe it will seem more normal. The more normal I act, the more normal I'll believe it all has become.
I think of the things I've put on hold or cancelled or not committed - a beach trip with very dear friends, the overseas wedding of my best friend (I'm SO sorry, E.), the Disney trip with favorite family members.
And it bothers me that I've raised the hopes of my husband and daughter through this process. I am somewhat numb. I notice that I have some tears but nothing really coming through. I was blabbering to the barista at our coffee shop and realized that I am holding on to my mind by a thin thread.
And, what bothers me, is that on some level I'm relieved. I won't have twins. We're not turning our lives upside down. I have two frozen embryos left and I feel like I need to transfer them, but I have little hope that they will work. I'll do just one at a time, though. (BTW, the rates for frozen embryo transfer - FET- success are about the same as a fresh cycle nowadays. Amazing how quickly technology and science advances.)
I'm puzzled and angry. I didn't drink, I monitored my food and caffeine and medications. I did guided relaxation and massage and acupuncture and put my feet up. There is no magic recipe. Some folks try so hard and it never happens. I really thought we'd have a larger family than this. Thank God we have one fantastic child already. I think of my friends who have had a surprise pregnancy, even on birth control. Although it must have turned their life on its end due to its unplanned nature, I do think how lucky they are.
And then there are the posts online that talk about "I was so sure I was getting my period - I was bleeding and cramping and then a BFP". I don't think that will be me. The only way to know will be a blood test. My doctor's office will be reluctant to do one more than a day early, but I think I'll push, just to wrap this up.
And then what? What do I do with two frozen embryos? Jump in again? I don't want to be much older or have much more time between children. Wait indefinitely? Try again in the winter? To tell you the truth, the only reason to wait would be to go to Disneyland and know I could ride the rides with Bud. I've never been and I want to experience it with her. Oh, and that whole don't make rash decisions when you're grieving thing. Yeah, that's probably important somewhere in there.
I don't feel like the walking, bleeding, festering wound I did the first time around. You know, so tender that the mere look of a friend was like a scraping over my raw heart. I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with our daughter's preschool. I really like these families (sometimes I wonder if they realize that I would like to be closer but I don't know how) but I remember how vulnerable I felt for weeks after last time - can I handle that again in close quarters, no escape, no drop and dash as I try not to look anyone in the eye because I know I'll start crying again?
No need to make decisions now, I suppose. I did the mechanical process, now I'll do the emotional grieving process somehow. It hurt so much last time, I think this time it will be harder because I want to bury it. But maybe it will seem more normal. The more normal I act, the more normal I'll believe it all has become.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
seeing red
cramping. brown smears. bright red spotting. Shit. It's five days past five day transfer. too early for a period, right? even though mine came at seven days past a five day transfer last time?
Please oh please let this be implantation spotting and not my body rejecting this.
Please oh please let this be implantation spotting and not my body rejecting this.
Monday, August 6, 2012
wow!
I had two embryos transferred this morning. Expanded blasts, level Good, grade B/B for each of them. I was told that there is a 66% chance of getting pregnant with implanting two at my age, and a 40% chance of that for twins - about the same percentage as not getting pregnant at all. I would say that it is actually a greater possibility to have zero than twins. I had zero with the last IVF with a similar 65% chance of getting pregnant, but only one embryo transferred.
I had the Hubster drive me to acupuncture immediately afterwards. I did see a study cited out of a BC clinic that said gals in my age group (over 38) show a stronger likelihood of pregnancy if acupuncture is performed the same day as transfer.
I'm not holding my breath. I am on modified bed rest, enjoying movies while Bud is enjoying the grandparents. We had delivery for dinner, so I got out of cooking, too.
We also froze two embryos today - expanded blasts, Good, B/B and Good B/C. I may be wrong and one is Fair B/C.
And we are culturing three more embryos - that's right, as of today, all SEVEN were still developing! Two are unexpanded blasts, automatically graded poor because they haven't advanced, but, I think B/B and B/C. As for the third, we have a perfect morula which needs to be cultured possibly longer.
So, if this time, IVF #2, doesn't work, we're already set for Frozen Embryo Transfer #1. I guess we won't know any time soon when our family is done after all.
I am nervous about the prospect of twins, but I feel that with the failure of the earlier IVF, the maternal age factor, the low AMH score, as well as my history, we'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm taking it one day at a time. We'll figure it out the same way any other family with multiples figures it out, if we do have twins.
I am "testing out the trigger", as some say. I ordered some cheapo pregnancy tests (25 for $8!) and will take each day to watch the trigger line fade from the positive pregnancy test. Then, if it comes back or gets stronger, we'll know if there is a baby in there.
And right now, TWO babies in there!
I had the Hubster drive me to acupuncture immediately afterwards. I did see a study cited out of a BC clinic that said gals in my age group (over 38) show a stronger likelihood of pregnancy if acupuncture is performed the same day as transfer.
I'm not holding my breath. I am on modified bed rest, enjoying movies while Bud is enjoying the grandparents. We had delivery for dinner, so I got out of cooking, too.
We also froze two embryos today - expanded blasts, Good, B/B and Good B/C. I may be wrong and one is Fair B/C.
And we are culturing three more embryos - that's right, as of today, all SEVEN were still developing! Two are unexpanded blasts, automatically graded poor because they haven't advanced, but, I think B/B and B/C. As for the third, we have a perfect morula which needs to be cultured possibly longer.
So, if this time, IVF #2, doesn't work, we're already set for Frozen Embryo Transfer #1. I guess we won't know any time soon when our family is done after all.
I am nervous about the prospect of twins, but I feel that with the failure of the earlier IVF, the maternal age factor, the low AMH score, as well as my history, we'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm taking it one day at a time. We'll figure it out the same way any other family with multiples figures it out, if we do have twins.
I am "testing out the trigger", as some say. I ordered some cheapo pregnancy tests (25 for $8!) and will take each day to watch the trigger line fade from the positive pregnancy test. Then, if it comes back or gets stronger, we'll know if there is a baby in there.
And right now, TWO babies in there!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
a little more info - Saturday, Day 3
We still have seven embryos! The one which was lagging behind at 2 cells has now caught up and is 8 cells like almost all the others (the ideal number). A different embryo, however, has arrested at four cells. It may continue to grow, or it may be done.
At this point, statistically, we'll probably have three on Monday. No, we will not transfer all of them! But, I am leaning towards two. We'll make the final decision with the embryologist on Monday. I'll be under anesthesia at 10am, and then off to acupuncture once we are done. Studies show that, for my age group, it raises the odds of implantation to have acupuncture on the day of transfer. We didn't do it last time, but, we have the ability to do it this time, so we will.
I'm just taking this one step at a time. And planning last splurges before I have to do the pregnancy diet. I'm trying to be more removed and take this moment by moment. I was so very sad last time. And I don't know how quickly I would want to share news one way or another this time. It's all so up in the air!
At this point, statistically, we'll probably have three on Monday. No, we will not transfer all of them! But, I am leaning towards two. We'll make the final decision with the embryologist on Monday. I'll be under anesthesia at 10am, and then off to acupuncture once we are done. Studies show that, for my age group, it raises the odds of implantation to have acupuncture on the day of transfer. We didn't do it last time, but, we have the ability to do it this time, so we will.
I'm just taking this one step at a time. And planning last splurges before I have to do the pregnancy diet. I'm trying to be more removed and take this moment by moment. I was so very sad last time. And I don't know how quickly I would want to share news one way or another this time. It's all so up in the air!
Brief Friday (day 2) update
As of 10am PDT Friday morning, all seven embryos were still developing. Six are rated "good" (on a scale of poor, fair, good) and one was rated "fair". The fair one could be lagging or just slowing down. It has two cells when the others have four - six cells, typical of "good" ratings. I didn't want to press my luck by asking for specifics on each of those. I was fortunate to speak with a nurse who was willing to pull up the information out of my record to even get that far.
We'll do a Day 5 transfer, for sure. Statistically, half will die between whatever today's count (I write this on Day 3) is and Monday, Day 5. If we have six today, then we will probably have 3 on Monday. What quality those would be, and how far along, remains to be determined.
I expect a call with more details in the next few hours. I'll post again, then.
We'll do a Day 5 transfer, for sure. Statistically, half will die between whatever today's count (I write this on Day 3) is and Monday, Day 5. If we have six today, then we will probably have 3 on Monday. What quality those would be, and how far along, remains to be determined.
I expect a call with more details in the next few hours. I'll post again, then.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Magnificent Seven
Yes, seven embryos. I should be much more excited about this. We had 9 eggs, 7 fertilized. I asked how they were doing, what was happening - a bit more of a pause than I am comfortable with came from the nurse. "Everything is going fine". But how are they? "You'll get a report on the day of transfer." Me- can I not get some information now? "We would tell you if something were wrong. We're not going to have you come in and then suddenly tell you things aren't going well. Trust us, it's fine". Me - pause. "Let me put it this way, no news is good news. If there were drastic issues, you'd have a call from the doctor."
Too many pauses, a few too many excuses. My nursing team is gone tomorrow, so I'm hoping to grill the sub who will be letting me know how things are. We'll either do a 3 day or a 5 day transfer. I hope to know a little more just because they are able to make that call.
I suppose we'll know more tomorrow. I've got plans to stay busy for the morning. Seven should give us a good shot, but we thought that last time with six. I don't know what to believe or hard to hope any more.
Too many pauses, a few too many excuses. My nursing team is gone tomorrow, so I'm hoping to grill the sub who will be letting me know how things are. We'll either do a 3 day or a 5 day transfer. I hope to know a little more just because they are able to make that call.
I suppose we'll know more tomorrow. I've got plans to stay busy for the morning. Seven should give us a good shot, but we thought that last time with six. I don't know what to believe or hard to hope any more.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
update for Egg Retrieval
I've slept on and off today. I was in a lot of pain, but I've noticed it is not as bad this evening. They did not have to do all the funky stuff to get to my left ovary, just some of it. Fortunately, I had the exact same surgeon. He remembered my left ovary very well and apparently was able to maneuver it without quite so many issues as last time. I'm so glad Hubs took off the day to care for me and the Budster because I couldn't have done anything for anyone, including myself.
They retrieved 9 eggs. Found 14 follicles. The nurse said the other four would be too small for her to see on that particular ultrasound. I'll know the number fertilized tomorrow.
Oh, and I lost those five pounds the nurses were losing their sh!t over. And probably more since all those eggs and fluid add weight. So there. NyahNyahNyah.
They retrieved 9 eggs. Found 14 follicles. The nurse said the other four would be too small for her to see on that particular ultrasound. I'll know the number fertilized tomorrow.
Oh, and I lost those five pounds the nurses were losing their sh!t over. And probably more since all those eggs and fluid add weight. So there. NyahNyahNyah.
Nervous this Morning and Dreams Show it.
Oh, I'm so nervous about this morning. I wonder what they will find, how much pain I'll be in during recovery, if the nurse will have a difficult time getting the IV in again. I'm such a chicken.
This means so much. Of course it does, that's why I'm writing about it. I'm even dreaming about it. One dream, I just dreamt I was putting shots into my belly over and over again, mechanical like. No pain involved. It was like one of those dreams where you are an accountant and you just keep using a calculator. Last night's was more serious, in that I dreamt my husband left me because I couldn't produce mature eggs. He took off his ring, didn't care that I might go out to party, and said that this would be a good point at which we should split. I even bought a pack of cigarettes in my dream! (I can't believe that I quit over ten years ago and yet still dream of the taste of cigarettes. Nasty little suckers.) Obviously an anxiety dream.
I didn't realize that I had that fear until I woke up this morning. It's not a real fear, but I suppose it is one of those what if things. What if we hadn't had Bud and we realized this was the end of the line? In my dream, we were both in shock and agony that this was over. I wanted to do a third round but realized we couldn't afford it and odds would be too great against it. And so we each handled it differently, going our separate ways, this driving a wedge between us as surely as a sign post at a crossroads - you go your way, I'll go mine, and never the twain shall meet.
Our marriage has actually handled this really well. I know some couples wake up and discover that this was all they had left to bind them, and when the treatments don't work, neither does their marriage - at least for a while. But I do remember that feeling of waiting and suspension and coming despair and emotional mechanics that we experienced for so long prior to Bud, and I have some gleaning of what another couple who never conceived might experience.
I do wonder about that point - what if in two weeks we have a negative, no embryos, nothing. We're done? Will my husband still clean out his office so we can create a better play area as Bud gets older? Will we fight over selling and giving off all that gear in the basement which we've stored for five years? How will this impact us as we settle into no longer having a dream of a larger family, but learning to accept and maybe embrace the concept of the small, single child family? How much sadness will be in our home, even temporarily? Will there be anger underlying everything, a sense of blame?
Ah, dreams - showing us fears we never even realized we had.
This means so much. Of course it does, that's why I'm writing about it. I'm even dreaming about it. One dream, I just dreamt I was putting shots into my belly over and over again, mechanical like. No pain involved. It was like one of those dreams where you are an accountant and you just keep using a calculator. Last night's was more serious, in that I dreamt my husband left me because I couldn't produce mature eggs. He took off his ring, didn't care that I might go out to party, and said that this would be a good point at which we should split. I even bought a pack of cigarettes in my dream! (I can't believe that I quit over ten years ago and yet still dream of the taste of cigarettes. Nasty little suckers.) Obviously an anxiety dream.
I didn't realize that I had that fear until I woke up this morning. It's not a real fear, but I suppose it is one of those what if things. What if we hadn't had Bud and we realized this was the end of the line? In my dream, we were both in shock and agony that this was over. I wanted to do a third round but realized we couldn't afford it and odds would be too great against it. And so we each handled it differently, going our separate ways, this driving a wedge between us as surely as a sign post at a crossroads - you go your way, I'll go mine, and never the twain shall meet.
Our marriage has actually handled this really well. I know some couples wake up and discover that this was all they had left to bind them, and when the treatments don't work, neither does their marriage - at least for a while. But I do remember that feeling of waiting and suspension and coming despair and emotional mechanics that we experienced for so long prior to Bud, and I have some gleaning of what another couple who never conceived might experience.
I do wonder about that point - what if in two weeks we have a negative, no embryos, nothing. We're done? Will my husband still clean out his office so we can create a better play area as Bud gets older? Will we fight over selling and giving off all that gear in the basement which we've stored for five years? How will this impact us as we settle into no longer having a dream of a larger family, but learning to accept and maybe embrace the concept of the small, single child family? How much sadness will be in our home, even temporarily? Will there be anger underlying everything, a sense of blame?
Ah, dreams - showing us fears we never even realized we had.
Monday, July 30, 2012
And we're done with meds!
Ever see an overstimulated ovary on an ultrasound? It reminds me of an opening flower. Imagine the petals slightly folded, curving - arched and rounded. Imagine 8 petals on one flower, 10 on another - because that's what's going on. I'm up to 18 follicles!
Or, for those of you who are hungry, you could imagine each ovary as a piece of popcorn, but I doubt you want to associate that yumminess with an organ. You'll never munch down in a theater the same way again.
Or, for you nerds out there, it looks a lot like some crazy molecule model in 3D.
It's crazy. I'm not sure I'm developing as fast as I should, but I am developing a great quantity. Let's hope at least part of it is quality. I'm concerned because 4 are completely immature - under 10mm, and probably 8-10 are around 14-15mm, and only 4 - 6 are over 16mm.
Think about that size - it's approximately a fingernail and a half in width. Now multiply that by seven, all over an ovary which is usually the size of a teaspoon . That's now the size of each of my ovaries. No wonder I'm feeling a wee bloated. I'm in pajama pants because they are the only ones that fit me comfortably right now. I'll wear dresses the next couple of days so I don't have anything against my belly.
I am scheduled for egg retrieval on Wednesday morning at 9am. I'll trigger tonight with the help of a friend. I'll probably be sleeping on and off that afternoon like last time, coming off anesthesia but on painkillers. I'll know number of eggs when I wake up. I'm still surprised that I had the presence of mind to ask how many eggs as soon as I was cognizant last time. I had this memory of being told but the nurse swore up and down that I hadn't been told because they hadn't known yet. I swear someone must have said something in the OR when I was under and I was so desperate to know that I retained it!
More acupuncture tomorrow, and then we ER and wait. I've learned to fill my days up to get the time to pass as quickly as possible. It's the only way to stay sane. Now watch me be lazy and sit my butt on the sofa. Oh, yeah, I guess I kinda have to do that anyway because of recovery and bedrest. Nice excuse!
Or, for those of you who are hungry, you could imagine each ovary as a piece of popcorn, but I doubt you want to associate that yumminess with an organ. You'll never munch down in a theater the same way again.
Or, for you nerds out there, it looks a lot like some crazy molecule model in 3D.
It's crazy. I'm not sure I'm developing as fast as I should, but I am developing a great quantity. Let's hope at least part of it is quality. I'm concerned because 4 are completely immature - under 10mm, and probably 8-10 are around 14-15mm, and only 4 - 6 are over 16mm.
Think about that size - it's approximately a fingernail and a half in width. Now multiply that by seven, all over an ovary which is usually the size of a teaspoon . That's now the size of each of my ovaries. No wonder I'm feeling a wee bloated. I'm in pajama pants because they are the only ones that fit me comfortably right now. I'll wear dresses the next couple of days so I don't have anything against my belly.
I am scheduled for egg retrieval on Wednesday morning at 9am. I'll trigger tonight with the help of a friend. I'll probably be sleeping on and off that afternoon like last time, coming off anesthesia but on painkillers. I'll know number of eggs when I wake up. I'm still surprised that I had the presence of mind to ask how many eggs as soon as I was cognizant last time. I had this memory of being told but the nurse swore up and down that I hadn't been told because they hadn't known yet. I swear someone must have said something in the OR when I was under and I was so desperate to know that I retained it!
More acupuncture tomorrow, and then we ER and wait. I've learned to fill my days up to get the time to pass as quickly as possible. It's the only way to stay sane. Now watch me be lazy and sit my butt on the sofa. Oh, yeah, I guess I kinda have to do that anyway because of recovery and bedrest. Nice excuse!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Attitudes
I told a friend recently that it was all about attitude. On day 5, I was ecstatic to discover that I had ten follicles with 9 leading as potential eggs. Last round on that day, I was crushed because I only had ten follicles and 4 leading. (bloodwork E2 119 D5). Still taking it one day at a time, just following the process.
Day 8, twelve follicles with 11 leading. (E2 479). Tentative hope.
And today, Day 10, I have fourteen follicles that we can find with all 14 leading. holy cow! We're going to allow them to continue to grow for another day. Maybe even two. I do think some of them are rather small for day 10 - 12mm. This tells me that either they have developed as quickly or these are some of the tinier ones the tech thought she might see but didn't want to count since she couldn't see behind my left ovary.
I've been doing my acupuncture, my bodywork. I've added in some talk therapy to manage stress as well as guided relaxation. And then there's the usual set of blood draws, ultrasounds, summer camp pick ups and drop offs, and some OT for my girl. I was going to add in yoga for fertility, but, after speaking with the teacher, we decided that to add in one more thing might totally stress me out!
She did teach me the feet up the wall pose, where you lie on your back on the floor and put your legs straight up against the wall to allow the blood flow to come back to your reproductive organs. I felt so silly, lying in the hallway with my head in the bathroom door way. I told her I felt like I was doing everything but sacrificing a chicken to make this happen. It occurred to me a moment later that I might have insulted her, so I quickly stated how yoga and acupuncture obviously affected circulation and chi and that of course that didn't fall into the whole "sacrificing a chicken" mindset.
One thought that has been stressing me out - TWINS. I thought I was okay with our plan to transfer two embryos on Day 3 with assisted hatching. And then my talk therapist FREAKED ME OUT with her talk of hospital bedrest and NICU and probable soft neuro-developmental delays and pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes and needing not just a few afternoons a week of extra help but needing a full time nanny even with my being home and how would we pay for that or could someone move in who could help for either a few months or a few years. HOLY CRAP. So her negative attitude (she worked in high risk obstetrics and a fertility clinic) has now given me a negative attitude. I called my RE (that's reproductive endocrinologist aka fertility doctor) to discuss.
One factor in this is also the discovery of a sharp change in my anti mullerian hormone (AMH). In January, I had a 1.1, which is actually a little better than normal for a woman of my age. Between that and the kicking FSH 6.54 (follicle stimulating hormone), egg quality was looking quite good. I think this is evidenced as well by our having six embryos even on day 3 last round. You want FSH to be low and AMH to be high to show good egg quality, or egg reserves. As of May, my FSH was even lower (odd!) at 5.71, but my AMH had plummeted to .39. That's not a tiny fluctation!! That puts me at very low egg quality, which can certainly affect the number of eggs which mature and which will fertilize. So, even with almost twice as many follicles, I could end up with the same amount of embryos or even fewer.
The doc and I sat down this morning and "hatched" out a new plan. (Oh, ha ha, I am so funny after a blood draw and no food. Coffee first.) If we only have two or three embryos on day 3, we'll insert two. There are greater chances at my age that there could be genetic issues which would prevent development, so it's best to hedge our bets on that. They don't have the data about SET (single embryo transfer) that they do for younger patients, showing that the odds are about the same to implant one vs. the other. Although it was from those studies that it was decided we'd do a SET with the last one on day 5.
If we have many growing and doing well, then we will go out to Day 5 and see. If we have a few that we could transfer, we may still opt to do a SET and then grow the others out one more day and have some for freezing. I'm feeling optimistic about that since we're seeing 14 follicles. Last time we had 8 follicles with 7 eggs and 6 fertilized. If we can even get 12 eggs and 10 fertilized, we are so much more ahead of the game!!
As I mentioned, though, my hormone numbers are very different than we thought. Still, these draws were done within weeks of the last IVF cycle, so I'm guessing these numbers were about the same during cycle number 1? (the one which didn't result in a pregnancy - hmmmmmm....)
Looks like that microdose lupron protocol is working very well for me. I've had far more headaches than last time, beginning from the birth control pills to even yesterday. They are starting to wane, though, as my follicles increase production of whatever hormones are going on. Although I have more follies and I'm swollen in the belly, I'm not as swollen in the belly and I've not gotten to the point of feeling like I have rocks in my stomach, sitting on my organs. That's always been my least favorite part of the clomid rounds, but I gotta say that the headaches tie it. I appreciate pain killers and my body work specialists for helping with these.
I return tomorrow for yet another blood draw and ultrasound to see if we trigger tomorrow night (that means we'll do another hormone shot to get the eggs to start releasing to make for easier retrieval). I've got the Bud in summer camp all week because of this crazy scheduling. And now it looks like some of this has to be done before camp even starts and some procedures over the weekend or even into early next week.
Anybody want a kid for a few hours? Juggling childcare has been a big part of this stress but it's gotten better with discovering an online coupon for a preschool camp near my home. I thought I'd be in more pain than this, so I feel guilty for sending Bud off when I can still move. Last time, I could barely get off the sofa. I suppose that time will come, though! It's surprising to me that this saps my energy so much, and yet it can make me so irritable I could enter a prize fight and win.
I suppose that's my attitude right now - working hard, optimistic, yet irritable and tired. I wonder if they make an emoticon for that. It's a pretty normal feeling for someone going through fertility treatments. I could sign all my online writings with it. Maybe a hormonal woman sacrificing a chicken?
Day 8, twelve follicles with 11 leading. (E2 479). Tentative hope.
And today, Day 10, I have fourteen follicles that we can find with all 14 leading. holy cow! We're going to allow them to continue to grow for another day. Maybe even two. I do think some of them are rather small for day 10 - 12mm. This tells me that either they have developed as quickly or these are some of the tinier ones the tech thought she might see but didn't want to count since she couldn't see behind my left ovary.
I've been doing my acupuncture, my bodywork. I've added in some talk therapy to manage stress as well as guided relaxation. And then there's the usual set of blood draws, ultrasounds, summer camp pick ups and drop offs, and some OT for my girl. I was going to add in yoga for fertility, but, after speaking with the teacher, we decided that to add in one more thing might totally stress me out!
She did teach me the feet up the wall pose, where you lie on your back on the floor and put your legs straight up against the wall to allow the blood flow to come back to your reproductive organs. I felt so silly, lying in the hallway with my head in the bathroom door way. I told her I felt like I was doing everything but sacrificing a chicken to make this happen. It occurred to me a moment later that I might have insulted her, so I quickly stated how yoga and acupuncture obviously affected circulation and chi and that of course that didn't fall into the whole "sacrificing a chicken" mindset.
One thought that has been stressing me out - TWINS. I thought I was okay with our plan to transfer two embryos on Day 3 with assisted hatching. And then my talk therapist FREAKED ME OUT with her talk of hospital bedrest and NICU and probable soft neuro-developmental delays and pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes and needing not just a few afternoons a week of extra help but needing a full time nanny even with my being home and how would we pay for that or could someone move in who could help for either a few months or a few years. HOLY CRAP. So her negative attitude (she worked in high risk obstetrics and a fertility clinic) has now given me a negative attitude. I called my RE (that's reproductive endocrinologist aka fertility doctor) to discuss.
One factor in this is also the discovery of a sharp change in my anti mullerian hormone (AMH). In January, I had a 1.1, which is actually a little better than normal for a woman of my age. Between that and the kicking FSH 6.54 (follicle stimulating hormone), egg quality was looking quite good. I think this is evidenced as well by our having six embryos even on day 3 last round. You want FSH to be low and AMH to be high to show good egg quality, or egg reserves. As of May, my FSH was even lower (odd!) at 5.71, but my AMH had plummeted to .39. That's not a tiny fluctation!! That puts me at very low egg quality, which can certainly affect the number of eggs which mature and which will fertilize. So, even with almost twice as many follicles, I could end up with the same amount of embryos or even fewer.
The doc and I sat down this morning and "hatched" out a new plan. (Oh, ha ha, I am so funny after a blood draw and no food. Coffee first.) If we only have two or three embryos on day 3, we'll insert two. There are greater chances at my age that there could be genetic issues which would prevent development, so it's best to hedge our bets on that. They don't have the data about SET (single embryo transfer) that they do for younger patients, showing that the odds are about the same to implant one vs. the other. Although it was from those studies that it was decided we'd do a SET with the last one on day 5.
If we have many growing and doing well, then we will go out to Day 5 and see. If we have a few that we could transfer, we may still opt to do a SET and then grow the others out one more day and have some for freezing. I'm feeling optimistic about that since we're seeing 14 follicles. Last time we had 8 follicles with 7 eggs and 6 fertilized. If we can even get 12 eggs and 10 fertilized, we are so much more ahead of the game!!
As I mentioned, though, my hormone numbers are very different than we thought. Still, these draws were done within weeks of the last IVF cycle, so I'm guessing these numbers were about the same during cycle number 1? (the one which didn't result in a pregnancy - hmmmmmm....)
Looks like that microdose lupron protocol is working very well for me. I've had far more headaches than last time, beginning from the birth control pills to even yesterday. They are starting to wane, though, as my follicles increase production of whatever hormones are going on. Although I have more follies and I'm swollen in the belly, I'm not as swollen in the belly and I've not gotten to the point of feeling like I have rocks in my stomach, sitting on my organs. That's always been my least favorite part of the clomid rounds, but I gotta say that the headaches tie it. I appreciate pain killers and my body work specialists for helping with these.
I return tomorrow for yet another blood draw and ultrasound to see if we trigger tomorrow night (that means we'll do another hormone shot to get the eggs to start releasing to make for easier retrieval). I've got the Bud in summer camp all week because of this crazy scheduling. And now it looks like some of this has to be done before camp even starts and some procedures over the weekend or even into early next week.
Anybody want a kid for a few hours? Juggling childcare has been a big part of this stress but it's gotten better with discovering an online coupon for a preschool camp near my home. I thought I'd be in more pain than this, so I feel guilty for sending Bud off when I can still move. Last time, I could barely get off the sofa. I suppose that time will come, though! It's surprising to me that this saps my energy so much, and yet it can make me so irritable I could enter a prize fight and win.
I suppose that's my attitude right now - working hard, optimistic, yet irritable and tired. I wonder if they make an emoticon for that. It's a pretty normal feeling for someone going through fertility treatments. I could sign all my online writings with it. Maybe a hormonal woman sacrificing a chicken?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
FRI the 13th and IVF the 2nd
Yes, we're doing it again.
I'm sitting here with naproxen and hydrocodone in my system as I wait for the suppression headache to abate. And that's just from the birth control pills! I'd forgotten how sick they could make me. I believe now that the lupron headaches last time may have been worsened by the bc pills.
I begin a new protocol tomorrow. I had an appointment on Friday for the suppression check. While there, they decided to check my vitals. Holy hell, I gained five pounds on vacation! The nurses flipped their lids! Suddenly, despite a great ultrasound showing 13 antral follicles (that's potential egg homes), I'm being told that we may have to postpone the cycle! and they don't say for how long! They checked my blood pressure - high - no duh! I have it flashing through my head from the December anesthesia consult that if I put on any weight we'd have to find a different place for my hysteroscopy. And now, I'm seeing that I gained weight.
I tried to joke about it with the nurse - mom's southern cooking and all that. She said my weight was lower than the last BMI in December, although I remember differently. But, because my blood pressure was up, she then says she's not allowed to release me. I'm in a half hour zone, no lunch, a sick husband waiting on me at home to drive him on an errand, and a kid expecting to go to Red Robin as a special lunch treat. But no, I have to wait. We decide to take it again after all of this flashes through my mind with the vision of staying there for hours washes through my head. Yup, higher. ggrrrrrreat.
They scramble for someone to speak with me. Folks are on the phone, now I'm getting multiple warnings that we may have to postpone the cycle, and I'm feeling ill on a number of levels. I'm told i'll receive a phone call later to determine if i'll have to come in yet again and have a face to face with an anesthesiologist because of this grave matter.
A nurse walks out from the procedure area. She's seen me for my egg retrieval and for my embryo transfer. "oh, it's you! you're fine. I know you run a little high, but I do think you should talk to your primary care doctor: You're free to go once you check out". whoo! what a relief, because what else could go wrong?
oh, yes, there is more.
I go to clear out with finance, knowing I don't owe anything. "oh, good, D, we wanted to talk to you about something in your contract. We've just learned it doesn't cover cryopreservation of embryos so you'll need to prepay an additional $900 in case you have any embryos to freeze". Say whaaaa??? We've paid how many thousands of dollars and now we owe another $900? The contract covers a fresh cycle and the retrieval, covers a frozen cycle and the defrosting and implantation, but not the in-between part where you freeze the embryo? not cool, Attain, not cool. We went round and round as I tried to understand. We left it that if we do have embryos to freeze, they have my card on file and will charge then.
I scheduled further blood draws and ultrasounds, and left - much later, hungrier, far more stressed, but without a parking ticket. My Friday the 13th was not going so well, but there was that.
And then.
I received a call from yet another nurse speaking warningly about postponing my cycle. my meds are here! they are in the fridge! postpone?? I've got reserves shriveling up as the seconds tick down each day, and you think postponing is good? Over five pounds? When it's the same weight as I was at egg retrieval?
The anesthesiologist called Monday. I queried about the astonishing alarm a five pound weight gain had wrought. Were they concerned it was in my neck and that's why they had to re-examine me in person? Was it because I weighed less than the first anesthesia in January? He was laughing, a LOT, over it. He explained that the nurses were following protocol, but because I'd had anesthesia (gosh, I'm finally learning to spell that word!) three times there and it was such a minimal weight gain, he'd approve me immediately over the phone. Postponement cancelled.
No meds on Monday, no meds today. I wake up tomorrow morning with a different protocol than last cycle and will take 10 units of microdose lupron before my morning coffee. It's some kind of flare protocol. My understanding is that they hope a tiny little bit of lupron just before I start stimulation meds on Friday will create a hormone flare, and they can capitalize on it with the stimulation medication and I'll have even more follicles. I'm already excited that I have 13. I had, what, 8? last cycle?
So, we're off and running again. Wish us luck.
I'm sitting here with naproxen and hydrocodone in my system as I wait for the suppression headache to abate. And that's just from the birth control pills! I'd forgotten how sick they could make me. I believe now that the lupron headaches last time may have been worsened by the bc pills.
I begin a new protocol tomorrow. I had an appointment on Friday for the suppression check. While there, they decided to check my vitals. Holy hell, I gained five pounds on vacation! The nurses flipped their lids! Suddenly, despite a great ultrasound showing 13 antral follicles (that's potential egg homes), I'm being told that we may have to postpone the cycle! and they don't say for how long! They checked my blood pressure - high - no duh! I have it flashing through my head from the December anesthesia consult that if I put on any weight we'd have to find a different place for my hysteroscopy. And now, I'm seeing that I gained weight.
I tried to joke about it with the nurse - mom's southern cooking and all that. She said my weight was lower than the last BMI in December, although I remember differently. But, because my blood pressure was up, she then says she's not allowed to release me. I'm in a half hour zone, no lunch, a sick husband waiting on me at home to drive him on an errand, and a kid expecting to go to Red Robin as a special lunch treat. But no, I have to wait. We decide to take it again after all of this flashes through my mind with the vision of staying there for hours washes through my head. Yup, higher. ggrrrrrreat.
They scramble for someone to speak with me. Folks are on the phone, now I'm getting multiple warnings that we may have to postpone the cycle, and I'm feeling ill on a number of levels. I'm told i'll receive a phone call later to determine if i'll have to come in yet again and have a face to face with an anesthesiologist because of this grave matter.
A nurse walks out from the procedure area. She's seen me for my egg retrieval and for my embryo transfer. "oh, it's you! you're fine. I know you run a little high, but I do think you should talk to your primary care doctor: You're free to go once you check out". whoo! what a relief, because what else could go wrong?
oh, yes, there is more.
I go to clear out with finance, knowing I don't owe anything. "oh, good, D, we wanted to talk to you about something in your contract. We've just learned it doesn't cover cryopreservation of embryos so you'll need to prepay an additional $900 in case you have any embryos to freeze". Say whaaaa??? We've paid how many thousands of dollars and now we owe another $900? The contract covers a fresh cycle and the retrieval, covers a frozen cycle and the defrosting and implantation, but not the in-between part where you freeze the embryo? not cool, Attain, not cool. We went round and round as I tried to understand. We left it that if we do have embryos to freeze, they have my card on file and will charge then.
I scheduled further blood draws and ultrasounds, and left - much later, hungrier, far more stressed, but without a parking ticket. My Friday the 13th was not going so well, but there was that.
And then.
I received a call from yet another nurse speaking warningly about postponing my cycle. my meds are here! they are in the fridge! postpone?? I've got reserves shriveling up as the seconds tick down each day, and you think postponing is good? Over five pounds? When it's the same weight as I was at egg retrieval?
The anesthesiologist called Monday. I queried about the astonishing alarm a five pound weight gain had wrought. Were they concerned it was in my neck and that's why they had to re-examine me in person? Was it because I weighed less than the first anesthesia in January? He was laughing, a LOT, over it. He explained that the nurses were following protocol, but because I'd had anesthesia (gosh, I'm finally learning to spell that word!) three times there and it was such a minimal weight gain, he'd approve me immediately over the phone. Postponement cancelled.
No meds on Monday, no meds today. I wake up tomorrow morning with a different protocol than last cycle and will take 10 units of microdose lupron before my morning coffee. It's some kind of flare protocol. My understanding is that they hope a tiny little bit of lupron just before I start stimulation meds on Friday will create a hormone flare, and they can capitalize on it with the stimulation medication and I'll have even more follicles. I'm already excited that I have 13. I had, what, 8? last cycle?
So, we're off and running again. Wish us luck.
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